Unsticking the Stuck

Today is a new day, and an opportunity for a fresh start.  

Yesterday was baaaad.   I feel odd complaining about the drudgery of life, because I know - I do, truly know - that things could be so much worse.     But sometimes it all catches up to me, and if I don't vent it out, talk about it, I get into trouble.    I went to be early last night just be done with the day.    It was one of those days - and thankfully they don't happen often - when I thought about drinking.   Just one.  Just one to take the edge off.    I didn't come close to drinking, but I hate it when my mind goes there.   HATE it.

Today the sun is shining, I'm rested, and I'm trying to look at things with a new perspective.   

It is so easy to get hung up in the way things are - at least it is for me.    I can wallow in misery, in being stuck.   Lately, I have felt really stuck.    It's hard to pull up and out, and look at the overall balance in life, but it became clear to me yesterday:  something isn't working, and I need to make some changes.     Finn needs more than I can give him - he's very active, very attached, and he knows exactly how to play my heart strings (and, of course, I let him).    

After a day of negotiating, whining, lots of tears and constant needing, I was at the end of my rope.   He did something bad - again - something he knows is a big hot button for me, something that always elicits punishment:   he spit on Greta.     As I'm sending him to the time-out room (no toys, sparsely furnished, nothing to destroy) I realized he just wants my attention, and he is going to get it any way he can.    Even when I'm punishing him, it puts him at the center of things, which is where he wants to be.   All the time.  

While he was crying and screaming in the time-out room ("MOM!  MOM!  I have a cold and you're not even taking CARE of me!    I hate you and I hate everyone in da whole WORLD!") I flopped down on my bed and had myself a good cry, too.     Greta came in and said, "Is there anything I can do to help you, Mom?"   This, of course, made me cry harder.   

We all fell asleep early (Steve was working late).    Today, as I'm driving him to school, I realized I had to make some kind of change.   Finn and I are miserable on the days we're together all day.   I'm tired of feeling guilty about that, as much as I'm sure he's tired of being in trouble a lot.

I'm going to look into sending him to school another half day per week, so he would go three half days instead of four.   I don't know that I can afford it, but I'm going to try.     I have resisted this idea, thinking that I should be able to handle it, four full days home with a 4 year old kid.   But I can't.    And it's okay. 

I'm trying to stop looking at parenting like something I should want to do all the time.   I simply don't.  I'm not equipped for it, and there are too many other things I'm interested in.   I need and want to make more money.    I want to pursue my dreams of writing, too.      I'm tired of having too many things at the top of the list.   My  kids will always come first, of course they will.    But in order for them to come first, successfully, I have to take care of myself.  

I'm stuck.  And when I'm stuck I'm trying to try a new tactic:  change something.   Move a piece on the gameboard of life around and see what happens.    I can always move another piece if I need to, down the road.  

So we'll see.   Thanks again to everyone for all the support - through comments and emails.    It really helps to know I'm not alone.