Pirouette On A Tightrope: On Addiction and Depression

I am emerging from my self-imposed break from writing because I feel an ache, a bubbling emotion that needs to come out in words.

Robin Williams' death hit us all hard. Just like in the wake of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death, I feel
perplexed, gut-punched, incredulous.

Their deaths touch us because their talents were so massive, their performances so vulnerable, that we felt a kinship, a connection, with them.  The thing about that connection?  It only went one way.  The unrequited first row seat to their creative genius was the gift they gave us.  And, we know now, the pain driving those staggering performances - both comic and tragic - that hid behind all those characters.

At first glance Robin Williams appeared to be the opposite of vulnerable - full of crackling energy that surrounded him like a force field.  To be honest, his brand of humor always made me slightly nervous.  When I watched him interviewed, or hosting an award show, I felt as though I were watching through squinted eyes, waiting for the wheels to come off and the whole thing to fall apart.

This may sound like Monday morning quarterbacking - all "I saw it coming".   I didn't.  But I know now why his energy made me uncomfortable.  I recognized that pirouette on a tightrope, the thin veil between comedy and melancholy.  

How many of us thought, when we heard of his suicide, "WHY?  He had so much to live for?"

As someone who battles both depression and addiction, I understand that how much a person has to live for doesn't matter in the face of these potentially fatal illnesses.   Most of the people I know who have struggled with addiction also struggle with depression and/or anxiety.   Drinking or using drugs becomes the Band-Aid over the bullet hole.

I ended up relapsing after years of sobriety because of untreated depression and anxiety.  I learned a valuable lesson while in treatment:  I can build a strong castle of recovery - massive and impenetrable from the outside - but if it is built on a foundation of sand, it will eventually fall.  The issues behind my drinking - depression and anxiety - were the shifting sands underneath my recovery.  Unaddressed, they would eventually take me down. And they did.

I had no idea I was depressed. I thought depression meant you couldn't get out of bed, that your world went grey and meaningless, that you were filled with lethargy and despair.

Mine didn't manifest that way.  My depression came out as manic energy - impulsive, compulsive, obsessive.  I didn't stop from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning until the moment I fell into a fitful sleep.  My mind never, ever stopped.  To the outside world I looked on top of my game - productive, full of life, passion and drive.  Recovery is an inside job, and I stopped working on my insides. I took my validation from the outside in, and for someone like me that is dangerous ground.

If I started to feel those shifting sands under my feet I ran harder, faster. I started another venture or project. Without consciously knowing it, I was afraid to stop, like a beast was nipping at my heels and if I paused it would get me.

It got me. My addiction is my beast - it was waiting for me to run out of energy, skulking in the shadows and ready to pounce. 

When I see the recaps of Robin Williams' performances - especially the improvisational ones, or the interviews - I recognize that mad dance. He was larger than life - he was so, well, Robin Williams. How hard it must have been for him to let down that veneer, to ask for help.  His humor was his armor, and we loved him for it.  We craved that version of him, we validated it.  And he delivered, at his own peril.

Recently he checked himself into rehab, and according to his publicist it was a precautionary move, to help prevent relapse. As details emerge, it appears his depression had such a grip on him that this came too late.

Depression is such an elusive concept. Most of us, when we hear this word, think:  sad.

For those of us who struggle with depression we know sad is a woefully inadequate word.   Just like I can't really describe what addiction feels like, I don't know if I can find words to describe depression.

To me, it felt like a mad scramble. A desperation to keep moving while appearing focused and outwardly fine.  Like that analogy of the duck - calm on the surface and paddling madly beneath the water.

Like addiction, for me denial played a huge role.  It wasn't an active denial - nobody was saying, "Ellie, I think you're depressed" while I protested.   I didn't know what I didn't know.  And because I am an alcoholic, that disease got me before the depression did.  But, in time, I realize that untreated depression is just as deadly and insidious.

Today I view my recovery as a three-legged stool: a program of recovery, therapy and medication.   I have historically had two of the three legs:  program and medication, therapy and program, recovery and medication.  I teetered on two legs as long as I could, but of course I fell.  Medication is tricky in recovery, and it took a while to find a safe and effective dosage. 

Now, with all three in place, I feel grounded.  My outside life is somewhat chaotic, complicated, as I work on the wreckage of my active addiction.  But I will take outside chaos with inner peace over inside chaos and outer peace any day.

I am staggeringly lucky.  I was able to get treatment for 90 days, with a lot of help from my family and friends.  I know without that treatment my chances of making it were slim.  I also know that I wasn't able to ask for help because I was so deep into my depression and addiction that I was incapable of saving myself.  It was people around me who got me the help I needed.

Many people aren't that fortunate.  Many people struggle and don't even know that they are depressed. Many people turn to alcohol or drugs to ease the pain, and many of them become addicted as a result.

We are a society of quick fixes. We applaud drive, determination and outward appearances.  Vulnerability and fear sit in the back seat, shushed and scorned.

I don't know how to end this post, what kind of statement I'm making here, exactly.  I can only share my own experience and hope it touches others.  If you are struggling on the inside, ask for help. Find just ONE person to open up to.  Even if all you can say is "I don't feel okay", start there. 

And if someone asks you for help, please listen.  Resist the urge to tell them how great their life is, how much they have going for them.  Offer up pieces of your own struggles to help them feel not so alone. 

I Asked Google The Big Life Questions, And This Is What I Found...

Sometimes I check how people find my blog, and it's always a combination of funny and poignant. A sampling from the last twenty-four hours:

"I am drinking and scared"

"Is it bad that I can't find where I hid my wine"

"I forget things when I drink"

"I need help with drinking"

"Motherhood is hard"

"Do I want to be a Mom"

"I drink alone"

and the most popular:

"Am I an alcoholic?"

This got me thinking, and so I did some google searches of my own, to see what the top responses were to certain leading phrases.  I will let the results speak for themselves:

 

And one more.  The only one that had only one response.  Apparently, people are looking for ideas for this:

How we talk to people matters.

How we talk to ourselves matters.

Don't wait.

Live for today.

But I have no answers for this one:

The Power of Story

 

He presses the little white pill into her hand and says, “Ever had an Oxy?”
 

She stares at the pill in her palm; a small, harmless looking thing.

Sensing her hesitation, he says, “I stole it from my Mom’s medicine cabinet.  It’s not like I’m some drug dealer or anything.”

She smiles shyly up at him, not wanting to act like a loser in front of an 

upperclassman.  As a starter on the high school’s soccer team she rarely drinks and stays away from illegal drugs like ecstasy, heroin and cocaine. 

“Don’t worry,” he says. “It doesn’t make you act all drunk or anything.  It just, like, takes away pain, you know?”

How bad can it be, she thinks as she pops the pill in her mouth, if it was in his Mom’s cabinet?

~~~~

This scene seems, on the outside, like one from my own high school years.  Except instead of an Oxy, it was a drink pressed into my hand.  

The desire to seem cool was the same, as was the fact that we raided some parent’s stash to get it. 

I couldn’t have known back then that I would become an alcoholic, and that it would take me decades to shake the grip alcohol had on my life.  All I knew back then was that everyone I knew was drinking, even the athletes and the A students, and it didn’t seem like that big of a deal.   

Sure, there were campaigns aimed at educating us about drugs and alcohol.  Mostly they told us “just don’t do it”.   I listened to the lectures.  I signed the contract saying I’d call my parents if I felt pressured to drink.  The thing is?  I just didn’t think the bad stuff applied to me.  I don’t think many teenagers do, because they are hardwired to believe they are exempt from consequence.

Alcohol was everywhere, and occasionally something bad would happen to someone else, but I never thought it could happen to me.

I drank alcoholically for years without realizing I had a problem.  Eventually, in my mid 30s, my drinking escalated to a point where I could barely function.  I ended up in rehab at the age of thirty-seven, with two young children at home and one very fed up husband.  It was a 30 day program, attended by those who had, generally speaking, not been successful at their other rehab attempts.   I had two under my belt – each lasting less than two weeks, and drank almost immediately after coming home.  The 30 day program was my last shot. 

What struck me immediately, when I looked around the circle at my fellow patients, was how young everyone was.  The average age of the 40 people in attendance was twenty-one.  TWENTY-ONE.   This rehab was packed with kids not even old enough to legally drink yet. 

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that these kids were here because of prescription medicine abuse.  Like me, they raided their parents’ and friends parents’ cabinets for their supply.  Except these kids weren’t sneaking liquor – they were stealing pain killers and anti-anxiety medications left over from adults’ injuries, child births and various other ailments. 

They also experimented with alcohol, but what brought them to their knees - in mere months - was prescription medicine abuse.   A painkiller snuck here or there became a regular habit at parties, and as their need increased they found it readily available for purchase in every town.  When their stash , or the money (prescription medicine bought on the street is expensive) ran out, these kids turned to heroin, meth or crack, more affordable ways to feed what had become a full blown addiction.

And that girl at the party who took the Oxy?  It didn’t matter that she was an athlete, an A student and came from a stable home.    She ended up, seven months later, with a needle in her arm, shooting heroin.   She didn’t set out to end up there, any more than I set out to become an alcoholic after my first sip of beer. 

Addiction doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care about your ethnic, academic or economic background.  

It is an epidemic, and it is everywhere.   

The best way to combat this epidemic is to talk about it.  Talk about it with your friends. Ask your kids if they know about medicine abuse.  Just like you’d lock a liquor cabinet, lock or empty out your medicine cabinet and dispose of expired or unused medicines safely.   

We cannot afford to turn a blind eye to this, thinking that somehow our kids are immune.   The leading cause of accidental death in the United States is unintentional drug poisoning… even more than car accidents.   

ONE in FOUR teens admit to misusing  or abusing prescription medicines at least once in their lifetime, and more than 40% of teens get these prescription medicines from their parent’s supply.  Twenty percent of teens abuse prescription medicines before the age of fourteen. 

I sit in recovery meetings every week with people struggling to recover from prescription medicine abuse.   Some of them are only in their mid teens, and all of them know someone who has died because of this epidemic.  

We can do something about this, though, and it starts right here.  Right now. 

  ~~~~~


I was so honored to participate in a live-streaming event on Tuesday night, and it was an incredibly powerful and moving experience.  These are women I admire and adore, and they all shared from their heart about their personal experiences with addiction and recovery.

You can watch these powerful videos in these three-part episodes in the links below (I am in Part Two):

P
 



You can read their posts by clicking on the links below. Their stories are incredible and inspiring:

Janelle Hanchett – http://www.renegademothering.com
Brandi Jeter – http://mamaknowsitall.com
Sherri Kuhn – http://oldtweener.com
Heather King – http://www.extraordinary-ordinary.net
Lyz Lenz – http://www.lyzlenz.com/
Judy Miller – http://judymmiller.com
Lisa Page Rosenberg – http://www.smacksy.com
Alexandra Rosas – http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com
Melisa Wells – http://suburbanscrawl.com 

Together we are making a difference.  One Story At A Time.

This post is sponsored by The Partnership at Drugfree.org as part of a blog tour with listentoyourmothershow.com in an effort to #EndMedicineAbuse

Medicine Abuse Is An Epidemic. We Have The Power To End It.

I am so honored to be part of this event with some of the best writers and biggest hearts on the internet.  PLEASE tune in if you can.  Medicine Abuse is an epidemic, and it's in your backyard, too.  But we have the power to end it.  It starts right at home.

 Here is the information you need to know:

Date: The evening of Tuesday, September 10th, 2013
Time: 9 PM EST
RSVP (optional for Google + users)
View live: http://www.youtube.com/user/LTYMShow/live

For the first time, LTYM has joined forces with The Partnership at Drugfree.org to host an exclusive live-streaming event via Google Hangout On Air, taking place on Tuesday, September 10 at 9 p.m. EST. The live readings will feature 11 leading women voices on the subject of medicine abuse – a health issue that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention now calls an “epidemic.”

These readings will feature new and original work about each of the women’s personal connections to addiction, substance use, and/or what they want children to know about the medicine abuse epidemic in a powerful story-sharing hour. Join us at this engaging kickoff to a blog post tour featuring these wonderful writers. Watch the livestream broadcast at the Listen To Your Mother YouTube channel
(http://www.youtube.com/user/LTYMShow/live ) beginning at 9 pm EST.

This live event will feature:

Janelle Hanchett – http://www.renegademothering.com
Brandi Jeter – http://mamaknowsitall.com
Sherri Kuhn – http://oldtweener.com
Heather King – http://www.extraordinary-ordinary.net
Lyz Lenz – http://www.lyzlenz.com/
Judy Miller – http://judymmiller.com
Lisa Page Rosenberg – http://www.smacksy.com
Alexandra Rosas – http://www.gooddayregularpeople.com
Ellie Schoenberger – http://www.onecraftymother.com
Zakary Watson – http://www.raisingcolorado.com
Melisa Wells – http://suburbanscrawl.com

For more information and to join:
RSVP on the Google Event Page
and/or join us at http://www.youtube.com/user/LTYMShow/live

The Medicine Abuse Project is a multi-year initiative of the national nonprofit, The Partnership at Drugfree.org. Its goal is to prevent half a million teens from abusing medicine by 2017. The Project provides comprehensive resources to parents, educators, health care providers, law enforcement officials and others about the growing problem of teen medicine abuse. The effort aims to mobilize parents and the public at large to take action. This includes learning about the issue, talking with their kids about the dangers of misuse and abuse of prescription drugs and properly monitoring, safeguarding and disposing of excess Rx drugs in their homes.

Please join us to empower many families across the country to take action and end medicine abuse.

To learn more about The Medicine Abuse Project, visit drugfree.org/medicineabuseproject and follow the conversation online at #endmedicineabuse

This live event and blog tour are sponsored by The Partnership for Drugfree.org, LTYM’s 2013 National Video Sponsor.

You Don't Want To Miss This. Or This. Or This.

September is  National Recovery Month, and I will be posting about recovery events, information and celebrations for this whole month!

Some big announcements today!

The first one is a video I made celebrating recovery. Shining Strong is a non-profit corporation I founded in April of 2013, and I'm so pleased to announce it is making HUGE strides in helping people struggling with addiction and breaking down the stigma that surrounds this disease by CELEBRATING RECOVERY.   With my fellow board members Lisa, Amanda and Lisa, we are increasing our outreach, partnering with other pioneering people and organizations like The Anonymous People and Gosnold on Cape Cod  and growing our audience (and hence our outreach) by leaps and bounds.

To promote our organization AND celebrate the gifts of recovery, we created a video.  PLEASE share this on your social media pages, and/or tell your friends about it.  You never, ever know who you may be helping, as two-thirds of Americans are impacted by addiction either directly or indirectly.  This video shows that RECOVERY WORKS, and it's full of beautiful and inspiring women who are on this recovery journey with me:



To continue our outreach and continue to administrate our sites Crying Out Now and The Bubble Hour  we need your help.  All proceeds from my jewelry businesses fund Shining Strong, but that isn't enough to meet our expanding needs.  This is a fantastic problem to have, because Shining Strong and its websites are growing faster than any of us ever imagined they would.

Contributions go towards the administration and marketing of all three of our websites, producing our internet talk show/podcast The Bubble Hour, as well as helping us with expansion plans that include hosting yoga/meditation sessions, recovery retreats and much more.

On the right-hand side of my sidebar is a Widget that says "Please Help Shining Strong"... you can choose any amount and it ALL helps.  As an added thank-you ... any contribution of $30 and over will receive a signed copy of my book "Let Me Get This Straight".  If you contribute $30 or more you will see a form to fill out with your name and address for where to send the book, as well as a place to request a customized message from me, if you'd like.

You can also go directly to the contribution page by clicking here:

Please Help Shining Strong!

EDITED TO ADD: Some people are reporting trouble with this widget, especially MAC users. I apologize, and I'm working on it with WePay. I am able to accept credit card donations that go directly to Shining Strong's account, so if you are interested in this option, please email me at onecraftyellie@gmail.com. I apologize for the trouble.  

There are non-monetary ways to help, too.  You can share this post on FB or Twitter or email it to friends -- anything to spread the word about Shining Strong!   You can come like our Facebook page by CLICKING HERE.  If Crying Out Now or The Bubble Hour or my personal blog have helped you or a loved one, you could come leave a testimony (you can do it anonymously) on Shining Strong's website by CLICKING HERE.

Any way you can help is so very much appreciated, and we thank you.

Last announcement - Shining Strong's presentation of The Anonymous People was sold out so quickly we moved to a bigger screen at the West Newton, MA theater, and we have more seats available!!  They will go fast, so if you haven't gotten your $10 ticket yet, and you live anywhere near the Boston area, please CLICK HERE NOW to get your ticket!    

We are SO excited about this film - it is changing the conversation about recovery, breaking down the stigma that surrounds addiction and catalyzing much needed political, economic and social change!

We get many questions, particularly from people in the recovery community, about how this film and how it relates other 12 step recovery programs' traditions.  Greg Williams, creator of the film, was a guest on The Bubble Hour and he talks about the film, how it all came about, why and how the recovery conversation is changing and answers the questions about this film and 12 step traditions.  EVERYONE in recovery, struggling with addiction or alcoholism, or who loves someone in recovery or struggling NEEDS to listen to this show.  Greg is compassionate, graceful and articulate and we are so grateful for his appearance on our show:

New Life Podcasts with The Bubble Hour on BlogTalkRadio

Thank you, everyone, for all your support, encouragement and love over the years. This is just the beginning of some very exciting and hopeful times for the recovery community and for Shining Strong. We appreciate all your help. So much.

Celebrate With Me! I need YOUR help!

September is national RECOVERY MONTH!

To honor this, Shining Strong (my non-profit) is making a video celebrating recovery.

You may remember the video I made when Shining Strong launched:





The focus of that video is to show women they are NOT alone if they are struggling with addiction/alcoholism.

This time around, I would like to focus on RECOVERY, and I need your help!

If you are in recovery, love someone in recovery or struggling to recover, would you send me a photo of yourself holding a sign (like in the video above) with a message of hope?  You could talk about the things (or people) that are in your life now because you're in recovery, hold up a picture of something you have, or feel, now that you're sober.  Your message could be a word, a phrase, a feeling or something that someone told you that helps you stay sober.

If you love someone in recovery, write what it's like now that they are sober, or anything else that shows how life has changed with a sober loved one.

If you're struggling, you could write a sign that talks about why you want to get sober. 

We want to show the world that WE DO RECOVER.

There are many ways to do this anonymously, if you would like. You could hold the sign in front of your face, write the words somewhere on your body, or show the sign standing alone or in some other creative way.

If you feel comfortable showing your face that is fantastic, too!

If you don't know what to say, just strike a pose!  Show us your strength, courage and hope in some fun way (making a muscle, perhaps? Or doing a cartwheel?  Or loving on your family?).   Or send a little video (there won't be sound playing in the final cut) that is 10 seconds or less -- doing something goofy, or with your loved ones ... the sky is the limit.

Here's the rub -- I need these QUICKLY.  :)  The deadline to submit a photo or video is SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8th at 8pm.   

The email to send them is onecraftyellie@gmail.com, with the subject line "Shining Strong Video".

PLEASE help Shining Strong show the world that there is hope.  We are determined to bust down the stigma of alcoholism and addiction, and showing your beautiful, shining faces and messages of hope is more powerful than anything I could ever write.

Thank you SO much. Email me if you have questions!

-Ellie

The Conversation Is Changing - And A Giveaway! Read to the bottom!

Exciting things are happening in the recovery world, and my non-profit, Shining Strong, is honored to be part of a new movement that is changing the conversation around addiction and recovery.

Before I say more, if you haven't seen the trailer for the new documentary, The Anonymous People, please take three minutes to watch it here:




I want to say something right up front: history has proven that change - real, meaningful social and economic change - involves uncomfortable conversations.  To effect change, we have to look closely at the ways things are today.

This film may make some people uncomfortable.  If it does, that means it is working.  As an active member of a twelve-step recovery program, I am very familiar with the traditions that have anonymity as a core concept. I support anonymity as a core concept of this program.

But nowhere in this program or its traditions does it say that I cannot speak my truths as a person in recovery. It doesn't say anywhere in the literature or traditions that I can't tell people about how the gifts of recovery, how it makes me a better person, mother, sister, friend, and member of society.

This recovery movement and twelve step traditions can - and do - work together.  This is not an "either/or" situation.  We're all in this to help the sick and suffering addict/alcoholic.  We are doing this without breaking any traditions, because we are not out there representing ourselves as members of a program.  We are simply sharing our own experience, strength and hope as people in recovery.

If we step out and celebrate recovery - educate the world on what our lives are like now, and the are tens of millions of us - we can change the way people view addiction.

Everyone knows about the ravages of addiction.  You can't open a magazine or watch a reality show or a news broadcast without seeing some example of what addiction does to lives.  We don't need any more press telling the world about the awful things that happen in addicts' lives and the people who love them.

We need voices to step out into the light and share what a recovering life is like  How we strive to live authentically, honestly and compassionately.  How we become productive members of society - leaders, artists, parents, friends and family members.  How in order to get well, we have to be able to ask for help.  If we are living in shame and secrecy we stay stuck and addicted.

The Anonymous People is a film about this very movement -a recovery movement.  It is helping people all across the country (and world) look at recovery in a new way.  Not a shameful way, but a celebration of all we can be when we are living a present life.

When I'm at a party and someone offers me a drink and I say, "No thanks, I don't drink because I'm an alcoholic", I feel a stab of shame. The other person has no idea what to say, having their own impressions of what an alcoholic is - a stereotype.  If I say "No thanks, I don't drink because I'm in recovery" ... I get an entirely different response.  The other person usually says, "Really?  Good for you?"  And then they ask me questions - they want to know more about what it means to be in recovery.  Nobody has ever asked me what being an alcoholic is like, because everyone feels they already know, thanks to all the media hype and long-standing stigma.

I am proud to be in recovery.  I know the power of voice, of community, how it busts down silence and fear and heals people from shame.  The Anonymous People is game-changing; educating the world not about addiction, but about recovery.

Shining Strong is proud to be hosting a showing of The Anonymous People in West, Newton, MA on September 19th at 7:30pm.  We are beyond excited that this show is almost sold out (only 19 tickets left as of the writing of this post).  People in and out of recovery are hungry to learn more, and it's not surprising:  2/3 of the American population is impacted by addiction directly or indirectly.  BUT - and this is important - many millions of people are also impacted by RECOVERY.

If you live anywhere in the Boston area and want to go to The Anonymous People, you can purchase your $10 ticket by clicking here.  The theater is right off Rte 95, easy to get to.  Come - I'll be there. Introduce yourself and experience this movement first hand. Learn how you can get more involved.  We're going amazing places.

And I have TEN TICKETS to give away!!   If you would like one of these tickets (one per person, please) all you need to do is spread the word about this film - either by sharing this post, or posting about The Anonymous People's website (www.theanonymouspeople.com) or their facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/TheAnonymousPeopleMovie.   Then leave a comment that you shared and where you shared, and if you're comfortable leaving your email we will email you your ticket (an e-ticket).  If you'd rather not share your email in a comment, you can email me at onecraftyellie@gmail.com (after you commented) and tell me which commenter you are and I'll email you back your ticket.  The first ten commenters will get a free ticket!

And if you're going, THANK YOU.  You are part of something important.  And please find me and say hello!  I will be there along with the other board members of Shining Strong, the lovely Amanda and Lisa.

If you don't want to go to the film (or can't ) you can find out more about how to go to (or create) a screening in your area by going to The Anonymous People's website (or clicking here).

One final note... the creator of this film - the amazing Greg Williams - will be a guest on The Bubble Hour on September 8th at 9pm EST, 8pm Central, 7pm Mountain and 6pm Pacific.  Tune in to learn more!

The Most Important Post I've Ever Written About Addiction and Recovery

I went to a screening of "The Anonymous People" movie on Saturday.  I met up with nine others, including my best friend and a co-host of The Bubble Hour, Amanda:



Amanda, Ellie, Holly, Jaclyn, Kylee

Here's where I could insert the usual rhetoric of "do they look like alcoholics or drug addicts to you?"

But I'm not.

Because The Anonymous People is at the front end of a movement - a Recovery Advocacy movement - and we're changing the vernacular, the way we talk about addiction.

That is a picture of people in Long Term Recovery.

The shining, smiling people in the photo above all have a chronic, progressive disease that if left untreated will kill us.

"Addiction is a disease without a cure, but WITH A SOLUTION."  (William Cope Moyers)

When someone remarks on the fact that I'm not drinking and I say I'm an alcoholic, even if I quickly add "in recovery" right after, I already know that the word 'alcoholic' has connoted something for them.  We all have a picture of what an alcoholic looks like in our mind's eye.  If I say, however, "I don't drink because I'm in recovery", there is a smile and usually a "good for you!".

Everyone likes a good redemption story, and being in remission from addiction is right up there with being in remission from cancer or other chronic diseases.

Did you notice the word "remission"?  That's because I'll never be cured.  I am a Double Winner - someone with both cancer and alcoholism - and I know that I'll never be fully "cured" of either.  But I also know my chances of staying in remission go up the longer BOTH my diseases are inactive.

Do you have a picture in your mind's eye about what recovery looks like?  Most people don't, because recovery has long been kept in the shadows.  Because of the stigma, most addicts and alcoholics do not speak openly about their recovery.  The media is full of addiction horror stories, but there are very few recovery stories, and we're trying to change that.

Addiction is a disease.  It has been recognized as a disease by the medical community for decades.

While the choice to take a drink or use a drug is voluntary, what happens to my brain vs. a "normal" person's brain is completely different.  If a comparison to cancer or diabetes or other chronic diseases makes you uncomfortable, think of it like an allergy.  My body reacts differently to alcohol, triggering compulsive behaviors (like wanting more) despite any negative consequences that may occur as a result of drinking.

So, people may say, "Just don't drink!!  If you were allergic to peanuts, you'd stay away from peanuts!"

Here is the root of the stigma, I think, because the symptoms of the disease of alcoholism are behavioral.  When someone is stuck in the cycle of addiction, they aren't trying to ruin their lives, or drink more than a normal person.  They are trying to just have one or two, but since their bodies are hard-wired to respond differently, it just isn't possible.  We call it "being born without an 'off' switch".  It can take decades for the disease to take root, so evidence of addiction isn't always readily apparent.

By the time someone realizes there is a problem, they are usually caught in the emotional addiction (if not the physical one) and can't get out on their own.  Their thinking is the problem - it's a brain disease - whether it's denial or the belief that if they try hard enough they can cut back or stop altogether.

An addict can no more think their way out of addiction than a cancer patient can think their way out of cancer.

Would you tell a cancer patient to 'stop' having cancer?  Or a diabetic to start controlling their insulin on their own? 

It sounds like I'm being facetious, but I'm not. 

The "Just Say No" campaign in the eighties - arguably well intentioned- exacerbated the stigma of addiction in very harmful ways.  While the campaign itself did little to curb addiction and addiction related problems in society and the economy, it cemented in the public's eye that it's possible to simply say NO to addiction.   It furthered the belief that addiction is a moral failing or lack of willpower.

Willpower has absolutely nothing to do with addiction. If it did, addiction related issues wouldn't cost the US economy over $360 BILLION per year.  If "just saying no" were enough, those of us suffering at the hands of addiction would have said no a long time ago.

What we need is vast policy change, healthcare reform, enough treatment beds and more reimbursement for treating addiction.  The system is reluctant to "dump" money into rehabilitation, with the mistaken belief that addicts and alcoholics don't get better, or at least most of them don't.  We should be treating the addiction problem in the US like any other health crisis, like cancer and obesity.  But we aren't.  WHY?

Here are some startling facts:

• 63% of Americans are impacted by addiction
• 67% of Americans observe a stigma towards addiction (this includes the addict themselves, who are trying desperately to 'cure' themselves of the problem, thinking they are weak or morally corrupt).
• 74% of addicts/alcoholics are ashamed to talk about addiction in their family
• 80% of people in prison are there due to addiction related issues
• Addiction (alcohol and illegal drugs) cost the US economy $366 BILLION in 2004. Add in prescription drug abuse which has reached EPIDEMIC proportions and that number goes WAY up.
• Over 20 million people struggle with addiction. 
• THERE ARE OVER 23 MILLION PEOPLE IN LONG TERM RECOVERY IN AMERICA ALONE

That last bullet point is the one I want to focus on. Changing the public's perception of addiction by TALKING ABOUT RECOVERY.  Because, everyone, RECOVERY WORKS.  There are more people in recovery from addiction than there are suffering from it.

Here's the rub, though. People don't recover on their own.  Every single recovery program focuses on community - on finding other addicts and alcoholics who understand where you are and can help you navigate life without alcohol or drugs. 

It doesn't matter what program of recovery you follow. Recovery advocacy is for EVERYONE.

You don't have to talk about HOW you recovery, just THAT you recover.

For those of us in programs that have anonymity as a tradition and who are confused about breaking this tradition, this point is KEY.  How you stay sober isn't relevant.  You do not have to be a mouthpiece for an individual program of recovery.  You can talk about recovery without ever mentioning how you do it.  When someone who is suffering asks you how you stay sober (and if you talk about recovery they will ask, I guarantee it), then you are free to share - in the sacredness of a one-on-one (or group) setting - how you do it.

But until the public understands that RECOVERY HAPPENS, people are going to stay stuck in addiction.  People are going to misunderstand what addiction means.  People aren't going to know it is quite literally on every street in America.  Every street has someone stuck in the darkness and isolation of addiction, and every street has someone thriving in recovery.  We have enough coverage of the destruction of addiction.  We sensationalize the stories of celebrities crashing cars, going in and out of rehab.  We condemn the havoc alcoholism and addiction bring to society.

We are sensationalizing the wrong thing. Let's sensationalize recovery.

How? How do we do this?  Not everyone needs to stand on a hilltop and tell the world they are in recovery.  For the same reason lots of people choose not to talk openly about their cancer, diabetes or other chronic illness, because it's personal.  But usually a cancer or diabetes sufferer isn't ashamed (I know there are cases where shame comes into play in these diseases, too).  An addict is almost always ashamed until - if they are lucky - they find their way into a program of recovery and discover they are NOT ALONE and there IS hope.

What we need are healthcare and policy changes that support an addict or alcoholic wanting help.  If you decide you want help - even if you're forced to get help - it's astonishingly hard to get a bed in treatment.  LONG TERM treatment is needed, whether it's inpatient or out, to start on the path to recovery.  Even if you DO find a treatment program, it's usually prohibitively expensive. 

To sum up: today in our society a person stuck in the cycle of addiction has to work their way past the stigma and shame, ask for help (and the statistic above shows that most people don't even want to tell their family) and then FIND that help.  And then pay for it.

The system is BROKEN.

If we channeled money into prevention and treatment that $360 billion would go DOWN.  Parents, this involves you, too. Prescription drug abuse is everywhere. Literally. Kids of every economic and ethnic background are trying these drugs, and for those that have the disease of addiction it is killing them.  They don't just try an Oxy at a "Pharma-Party", they end up mere WEEKS later addicted to heroin.  It's happening in YOUR community. It is not a reflection on your parenting.

It is an epidemic.

If you want to become involved in Recovery Advocacy, there are many places to go.  Google recovery organizations in your state.  Go to Faces and Voices of Recovery and see what they are doing there.  Check out the trailer below for The Anonymous People. 

There are other ways, too.  If you have a family member who is struggling, open your heart and mind and realize they have a disease.  This doesn't excuse behavior.  Consequences of addiction needs to be acknowledge and amends to society and loved ones paid.  I look at it this way:

Addiction is not my fault, but recovery is my responsibility.

Unless the public's perception of alcoholism and addiction changes, and more resources are dedicated to helping addicts as patients who have a disease, we will stay rooted in fear, stigma and reacting to this problem instead of being proactive.

Remember "Silence = Death"?  The gay community recognized that the stigma surrounding their community was going to kill them unless they changed the public's perception of HIV. They came out of the shadows, stared down that stigma, and changed how the public (and policy makers) view HIV.

Addicts and alcoholics are in the same position.  We DIE of this disease.. the one so may of us can't talk about.  It will KILL us.

If you are an alcoholic in recovery, try changing the way you talk openly about your disease.  You are a Person In Recovery.  Even if you only have one day.  Welcome.  You are a miracle.  Be proud.

Please watch this trailer- it's only 3 minutes.  If you are in a position to do so - and I hope in the future many, many more of us will be in that position, SHOUT to everyone you know to watch this. If you have a loved one or friend who struggles or who is in recovery, this effects you, too.  If you pay taxes this effects you. 

Addiction impacts EVERYONE.

Get informed. Get active.  Get well.

I'm Going There - On Breaking Anonymity

I am so moved by what I'm going to show you below, about this movement, that I can stay silent no longer.

I have tiptoed around this for years, now, about how to reach out and tell truths about alcoholism, drug addiction and recovery without stepping on the toes of recovery programs that have anonymity as a cornerstone to their program?

For five years now, many people have encouraged and supported what I do here, what we do at Crying Out Now and The Bubble Hour and Shining Strong. We don't preach about how to recover. We don't advocate for any one program.  We don't ask anyone to break their own anonymity who doesn't want to, or who can't for personal or professional reasons.

But do you know where I get the most criticism?  From the recovery community itself.

Breaking my own anonymity is a personal decision.  I have felt for a long time that staying silent is dangerous for the movement of recovery.   Not everyone needs to be - or should be - open.  BUT.  Those of us who can?  Or who want to?  We face a backlash from other recovering people.  I won't get into all the reasons why - I don't want anything I say here to be Google-able, which would put me in the cross hairs of violating one Anonymous organization's eleventh and twelfth traditions:  "our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films" (11th tradition) AND "we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility" (12th tradition).

There is also the 12th step:  "we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

I have spent years trying to reconcile these concepts.  How to carry the message to help suffering alcoholics while maintaining the anonymity requirements of the 11th tradition?  How to be out there telling my story - or the stories found on Crying Out Now and The Bubble Hour?

There is a reason the Anonymous organization is not mentioned on my blog.  We advise all guests on The Bubble Hour to not mention any specific program, if they can help it.  We tell everyone - and hold ourselves to the same standard - that we share OUR OWN experiences ONLY.  We do not tell anyone how to recover, or where to recover.  We share our own experience, strength and hope as persons in recovery.

I feel this mission falls squarely within the intent of the 11th tradition:  "our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion".  Where it gets iffy is the second half of this tradition: "we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."

But if Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob- co-founders of the Anonymous program - could have envisioned the internet, how would they have felt about it?  Nobody really has the answer to this.  All we have is our perception of the intent behind these traditions. 

How are the stories told on our websites different from speaking from the podium at an open twelve step meeting where anyone - even non alcoholics - are welcome to attend?  At those meetings I'm sharing my name.  I'm showing my face.  I'm breaking my anonymity to people who aren't admitted members of the twelve step program.   And the only requirement for membership in the Anonymous program?  A desire to stop drinking.  Anyone who googles "do I have a problem with alcohol" is taking the first tentative step towards cultivating a desire to stop drinking.

Do you know the number one search phrase used when people find my blog?  "Help me, I can't stop drinking."

If some of us aren't able to tell our stories to offer hope to those still suffering - those who are searching online for help but who aren't ready or willing to go to a meeting - how on earth are we going to offer HOPE.  Because that's what this is all about.  HOPE.

If you're angry about this post, or the work we do, or puzzled, or confused about what this breaking anonymity thing is all about, PLEASE watch this video below (it's a Kickstarter campaign, but they have FAR exceeded their goal so I'm not asking for donations - unless you want to).  If you are a person struggling with shame or fear or doubt - PLEASE watch this.

Because this movement?  This is where I'm going.  I know not everyone will approve.  I'm not looking for approval. I'm looking for open, honest and non-personal discourse.

Will you comment with your thoughts?  This is not a mutual admiration society. I am not going to delete comments that don't go lock-step with my beliefs.  As long as it isn't insulting or personal against me or another commenter, it will stay up.

We can't cure something we can't even talk about.   So let's TALK.

Take THAT, Stigma

Something happened this past weekend that would have been utterly unimaginable when I was drinking.

I got together with a group of women (with an awesome visit from a couple of men, too!) who are all members of a fantastic online group called the "BFB" - it stands for the Booze Free Brigade.

I love that it's called a Brigade, because that's what we are - we're warriors.  Some people in this group are still drinking, or struggling to put more than a few days together, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that we're all in this together - rooting each other on through our triumphs and tribulations with compassion, love and support.

When I was drinking my life got progressively smaller and darker.  By the end, I was so utterly lost and alone and full of shame, that the notion that a group of women could get together without alcohol and laugh until we were holding our sides and tears streamed down our faces was incomprehensible.  The idea that we could cry freely and without shame, that we could pour out our fears and vulnerabilities and fall back into such loving, compassionate arms, would have sent me running in the other direction.

When I was drinking, I lost the ability to feel, to show up in my own life.  I handled all emotions by going around them, losing myself in what I thought were the soothing effects of alcohol.  All I was doing was numbing out, hiding from playing the starring role in my own existence.

It's hard to find words to describe how this past weekend felt.  Every conversation was soulful, real.  We connected on a visceral level, these women who I had mostly previously only known through the pixelated world of my computer screen. 

As I drove to our rented house outside of Boston, I prayed that these people would be who I thought they were... it's the internet, after all.  Even though I felt such a strong connection to them, there is always the underlying fear that maybe I'm reading more into it than I should.  You can present any version of yourself you want over the internet, after all.   Going to spend three days and two nights with them felt exciting and a little risky.

But, when it comes down to it, we can present any version of ourselves we want to in real life, too, can't we?  In fact, we frequently do.  Don't you have several versions of yourself?  We are very, very rarely able to be completely ourselves.  Part of this is out of necessity, of course.  You aren't going to present the vulnerable, fearful version of yourself at work.  Or at a PTA meeting, or on the sidelines of a soccer game. Even among good friends, I know that I hold back often - although in sobriety I don't really shape shift much, anymore - but it's still rare that I can be my wholehearted self in my day-to-day life.

We went into Fanueil Hall, a huge marketplace in the heart of Boston.  Trying to get 16 women to come up with a plan of action - even to walk from one side of the marketplace to the other - was next to impossible.  Why?  Because we were lost in conversations with each other, one-on-one or in smaller groups, basking in simply being around each other.   It was like a drug, really, the feeling of connectedness I felt.

When I was drinking I was so careful to look put together.  I never showed my vulnerabilities, for fear you'd know that I was deeply flawed in some fundamental way.   I didn't understand the disease of alcoholism, I thought it was all about drinking.  I didn't realize the other aspects - how the chasm between our insides and how our outsides look gets wider and wider until our self-esteem, confidence and love for ourselves falls right in, deep down to the bottom of a bottle.

The idea that I could be so open, so trusting, so real - without a drop of alcohol in my system - was totally incomprehensible when I was drinking.  With recovering women I simply am.   We are drawn together because of our vulnerabilities, not in spite of them.  There isn't any one-upping each other.  This group represents all ages and stages of life. Recovery time ranges from days to years - and who knows?  Maybe even hours.  We are all alcoholics, after all.  It's possible there could have been people still struggling.  But it doesn't matter.

The important thing is that we're there for each other, because we're all the same.  Our adversities bind us together in ways that I just don't find in my day-to-day life.

That's what I didn't understand, before I got sober.  How grateful I'd be that I'm an alcoholic in recovery, because I would get the gift of me. 

We recorded a Bubble Hour episode Friday night, about negative self-talk, thinking patterns, and the tools we use to break self-destructive thought patterns.   There we were, a group of women, talking openly and without fear about our innermost thoughts.  We come together to share our experience, strength and hope to help ourselves first, and to help anyone else out there still struggling understand just how rich life can be on the other side of drinking.  Not perfect. Not easy. But oh so very rich.

I got to wrap my arms around these women who support me in more ways than I can articulate. I can't count how many times I said "I love you", without embarrassment and straight from my heart.  It doesn't matter that I'd never met them in person before.  They are woven into my life, into my spirit, in ways that defy explanation.

And one of the biggest gifts?  Meeting Lisa - one of the three Bubble Hour co-hosts (and co-moderator of Crying Out Now, too).

Ellie, Lisa and Amanda

Lisa, Amanda and I had never met - all three of us - in person before.  It felt like we had known each our whole lives (in Amanda's case, I have known her almost all my life, over 30 years, and what a blessing to share the gift of sobriety with my best friend - and former drinking buddy).

Now? It's hard to imagine my life without these women.

We recorded a video while we were there - our version of the Harlem Shake.  I won't share it in order to protect the anonymity of the women there, but I had a moment while we were filming it.  Dancing around with stuff on our heads (bowls, hats, magazines, towels - you name it) to the Harlem Shake... stone cold sober.  I thought to myself:  take that, stigma.   When people picture alcoholics, I don't think we're quite at the place where they see vibrant, funny, intelligent and compassionate women dancing and enjoying life to its fullest.  But we're working on that.  Together.

If you're still struggling, take heart.  Keep talking.  Keep showing up.  Get honest with yourself first, and please know that there are SO many people out there who understand, who know exactly how you feel.

You are NOT alone.

We're here.  And we will welcome you with open arms.

It's OFFICIAL!

I am so excited - what has been a heart project of mine for years is finally here!

I'm proud to announce that Shining Strong is officially a Non-Profit Corporation!

Shining Strong is named for (and inspired by) my Dad, who dedicated much of his life to giving back to the communities he served.

It is my honor to be part of the recovery community, and it has always been a heart song of mine to break through stigma and denial and help women see break free of the chains of alcoholism and addiction, which are so often rooted in shame.

I carry no shame about being an alcoholic in recovery.  Recovery has given me more gifts than I could ever repay in a thousand lifetimes.  The people I have met, the support, love and encouragement we give each other - both in person and online - is like nothing I've ever seen or experienced.

Everyone has a picture in their head about what an active alcoholic looks like.  The stigma surrounding addiction and the popular (but misinformed) thought that addiction is a matter of will power (or lack thereof) keeps so many people stuck and alone.

You want to know what recovery looks like?  THIS:

Compassionate. Graceful. Introspective. Dedicated. Hard Working. Funny. Smart. Creative. FREE.

These are the words I use to describe alcoholics in recovery.  Yep - we're still alcoholics, but we have faced harder truths about ourselves than most people have to face in a lifetime. Day by day we beat back a disease of the mind and body that killed the majority of people who had it only decades ago.  It stills kills more people than it spares.

How do we fix that?

TOGETHER.

Together we link arms - those in recovery and those who haven't been personally touched by addiction but want to help us break down this damn stigma and spread light and understanding.

THIS is Shining Strong's mission, and I have two lovely, smart, funny, talented recovering women of grace and honor helping me run it.  I am so blessed.

So will you do us a favor? Will you share this post? Will you ask people to watch the video below to see firsthand the heartache, and then the freedom of addiction?  Will you ask them to look into the faces of real recovering women so they can see for themselves that the stigma is WRONG.

You never know who you may be helping. Your neighbor, a friend, perhaps even a family member or total stranger who is living in the silence, darkness and pain of addiction.

Let's show them there is hope.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart:

I Need Your Help. Together We're Saving Lives.

It's been a while since I did a shameless begging post, but I can't continue to do this on my own, as much as I'd like to, and I need your help.

I'm in the process of incorporating a non-profit called Shining Strong - named in memory of my father, Jon Strong, who (along with my Mom, Sonja) taught me that giving back to your community is the most important thing you can do in your life.

Shining Strong will be an umbrella organization that encompasses the work I do in the recovery community, including the site Crying Out Now, the podcast/internet radio show The Bubble Hour and even One Crafty Mother.

Here is a short video that explains Shining Strong's mission:




I'm becoming a non-profit so I can, down the road, get sponsorship and/or grant funds to continue to build these projects and reach more women who are struggling with alcoholism, or who are in recovery and looking for community to help them stay that way.

The best part is that these sites are growing, bit by bit, so I know the mission is working.  The Bubble Hour has passed 30,000 downloads in a mere 16 episodes.  Crying Out Now reaches an average of 10,000 page views per month.  The responses I get from women these sites have helped blows me away.  It's not just people who are struggling, either, but their loved ones as well.

Usually I have a hard time with promotion; it feels so self-serving. I know I could be doing more to grow these sites, but fear of rejection (even though it is SO not about me) and not wanting to "bother" people holds me back.

I need to stop that.  The mission is much bigger than me, taking on a momentum of it's own, and I want to honor that by spreading the word.  I have brought fabulous sober women on board to help me run these sites: Lisa, Amanda and Michele I am indebted to your grace, creativity, intelligence and determination.  They are donating their time out of their belief in the mission and they are helping countless women.  COUNTLESS.

If you can help in any way, I would appreciate it very much. There are several ways to do this, and they don't all involve money.

Spreading the word about Shining Strong, The Bubble Hour and Crying Out Now helps a ton.  I guaranty you know someone who is silently struggling. Just by putting this post on your FB page or tweeting about it you are helping a LOT. You will almost certainly help someone you know (even if you don't know they have a problem with alcohol) and equally importantly you are helping to break down the shame and stigma that surrounds addiction.  We HAVE to keep the discourse going about this disease.

You can donate to the cause, too.  I have set up a We Pay account to receive donations, and ANY amount helps. The costs associated with running these sites is growing, and until I can get official sponsors or grants (likely not until at least a year from now) I'm relying on the support of people who support our cause or have been helped by them.  If you can spare a donation, please do. Below is a widget where you can donate directly:


If You Like Our Site, Please Consider A Contribution

You can also purchase my book, Let Me Get This Straight - all proceeds from the sale of the book go directly to funding these endeavors.  You can purchase the paperback for $29.00, or a pdf version (for PCs only!) or an eBook version (for MAC products ONLY!) for $9.99.  Please click here for a link to my bookstore. Just please be sure to purchase the correct electronic version for your device (eBooks do NOT work on PCs - you need the pdf version for that).

Click HERE for testimonies about how these sites have helped people (then click "comments" to view testimonies).  You can leave a testimony here, too, if you have been helped from our services. 

 Here's a sample testimony:

"I found out about Crying Out Now while I was still actively drinking. I read an article about it in Redbook, and went to the site. Reading the posts from other women, made me realize how bad my drinking had gotten. That I was not alone...or even unique. There were tons of other women out there suffering in shame, just like me. It took multiple attempts over a year and a half for me to finally find my road to recovery. Today I am 147 days sober :) I have my life back! When I started, I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without drinking...it seemed impossible. Now I know I can have an amazing life, AS LONG AS I DON"T DRINK. All of the problems I thought it helped me deal with, were actually being caused by the drinking. I never would have made it to this point without Crying Out Now! Thank you so much for giving me my life back!"

The bottom line, sadly, is that I am unable to support these sites on my own anymore. Donations received last year carried me this far, and so I need to ask again.  It's hard to ask. I know none of us is floating in money, and there are so many important causes out there.  If you can't donate, I understand, but will you please share this post and help spread the word?

And if you can spare any amount - either to donate or purchase the book, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Addiction lives in the dark.  Together?  Together we're bringing the light.

Thank you.