Because let's be honest, here. If wine or scotch or beer didn't have any alcohol in it, would you still reach for it at the end of a stressful or tiring day? Just for the great taste? I wonder. The other day I was watching a PBS show and they did a piece about oenophiles (def: lovers of wine, ones who study the many aspects of wine) and this man was going on and on about the legs (whatever that means), the color, the clarity, the 'nose' of the wine. As he was talking he was swirling and swirling this bit of wine in his glass and I'm thinking just drink it already, you know you want to. Who do you think you're fooling?
Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part - maybe I just don't want to believe that such a creature exists on the planet: someone who literally just studies wine - blabbers on about it, swishes it around in his mouth, and then - get this - spits it out. AS IF.
Because I believe that vast majority of people who drink do so to change how they feel at any given moment. At a party and want to loosen up a bit? Have a drink. Tired after a long day? Have a drink, relax those muscles. Have an argument with someone or an unusually tough day? Have a drink - soften the edges a little, turn the volume down for a bit.
If I sound defensive, it's probably because I'm jealous. I like to get defensive when I'm jealous because it's much more fun to be a little angry than it is to feel inferior in some way.
All this rambling brings me to my belated point: the hardest thing to get used to in sobriety, for me, is all this being-present-all-the-time-no-matter-what business. I don't get to manufacture emotions anymore. Life on life's terms. And life, it turns out, isn't all peaks and valleys.
See, I like extremes. Give me ten or give me zero, but please don't give me five. Five is so, I don't know, boring.
When I'm at ten the world is my oyster, I can conquer anything, I'm fearless - nothing could ever possibly go wrong now. When I'm at zero I'm not good enough for the world, nothing matters anyway, so why not just wallow in a good old fashioned pity-party? The infuriating truth is that real life is mostly five - with the occasional spike to seven, or drop to three. Very, very rarely do any of us really go to ten, or zero. I drank to manufacture a few tens. To wallow in a few zeros. In my sick thinking, at ten and zero at least something was happening. None of this shuffling around between three and seven business for me.
The difference between me and a NORP is that I didn't drink to change my four to a five. Or to make my five a six. I drank to zoom in my rocket to ten, or cliff dive right down to zero.
All rambling aside, though, I'm pleased to report that there is a moral to the story.
I should never, ever watch television shows about wine connoisseurs.
Question: What is the difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic? I assume there must be one, but how does one tell?
ReplyDeleteGood question, Anonymous. This is one of those questions where you can ask 100 people and get 100 different answers. In the context of my post, I guess I meant problem drinker in the sense that drinking is interfering somehow in their lives.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure others will chime in... it's a hot button question.
Oh my goodness do I hear you Ellie! Who spits out wine?????? Ha!
ReplyDeleteBut in reality, I'm jealous of those who can. Who don't feel that pull, that thirst. I was telling my husband just yesterday that I'm so mad that I can't go to a vineyard and just enjoy being there... instead, it would be torture, and I'll never be able to go and enjoy it again. We've always talked about going to Napa Valley, and now? Why? I don't know, it's late... I'm rambling... but just know you're not alone. By any means.
This is the hardest part for me. When do I get to escape for a bit? Even for an evening? Normal drinkers get to escape. I on the other hand, will always have to be present in the moment.
ReplyDeleteAh well, I guess there's not much I can do about it. Besides, I've probably had the same amount of drinks in my 15 years of drinking as normal drinkers get in their whole life.
i like 10s or 0s as well. guess we're thrill seekers! black or white thinkers! ;) ;) i've been trying to change that way of thinking - to be satisfied and happy with regular, ordinary, no drama, life.
ReplyDeletedifference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic ... i don't think there is one. i think it's just a nicer sounding name for the same thing. both have a "problem" with alcohol. perhaps, for the problem drinker, quitting and walking away from it, is an easier task? shoot, i don't know. guessing here.
Well, I happen to only like wine for its taste with a delicious meal (and to be French, where we do have a lot more diversity in the different kind of wines). And I hate that I feel drunk after only half of a glass ;-). But I do get your point.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm with you. Totally with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for problem drinkers vs. alcoholics (anon question) - I think I was a "problem drinker" for a long time. I didn't drink all the time. I didn't obsess about when I would next drink and I didn't get in any trouble because of my drinking. BUT, when I DID drink, it was a problem in the sense that I couldn't have just ONE and I drank way too much, usually binging to oblivion, forgetting parts of the night, etc. Some people have a more healthy relationship with alcohol. I never did have that. So I guess i look at "problem drinking" as medicating beyond just taking the edge off or lightening up a bit. And I think it's the early stage of alcoholism.
Alcoholism is more obsessive and drives a person. The over-drinking is still there, more often and it's the center of life, pretty much.
I hope that helps, anonymous. I'm way too new at this sobriety thing to be answering questions, but I like to maintain the illusion of smartness :)
LOL about the legs. Just so you know, the legs are the little tendrils that you see down the glass after you've taken a drink. It's a way to judge sugar content. The more tendrils/legs, the more sugar. I took an extracurricular class in college. :) Anyway, the reason most people who are doing wine tours spit the wine out is that you'd never make it through the first winery before passing out from drunkenness. Since I don't normally go to wineries, I'll give you this...when I attend a local wine tasting, I drink the wine and, yes, I feel really good for a while and have done that partially to get that affect. But I still DO like the taste and appreciate the complexities. I guess that may be the 5 you're talking about. I don't just do it it to feel good and don't just do it for the taste...I do it for a mixture of both. Oh, and if I don't like the taste at a wine tasting, I definitely pour it out in one of those buckets they have for pouring your tasted wine into. Bad wine is gross!
ReplyDeleteRE: the problem drinker vs. the alcoholic...I think Ellie is right that you can get 100 different answers. From the counselor point of view, I think it's psychopathology. Someone once asked me about her fear of swing sets (yes, really). She wanted to know if it was an issue. The issue is when fear becomes phobia. Fear is not pathologic, phobia is. She could be around swing sets and not have a problem as long as she didn't get too close. If someone had a phobia of swing sets, they would go out of their way to make sure they never saw one. It would likely negatively impact their life to some extent because of the obsession with swing sets. Same kind of thing with drinking. If you are organizing your life around drinking (have to know where you can find it, have to have it if it's around, etc.) then that's alcoholism (pathological because it's controlling your life, not the other way around). I do agree with the person who mentioned that problem drinking can become alcoholism very easily, though. Bottom line, if it's affecting your day to day activities (work, family, friendships, hobbies, etc.) it's a problem, no matter what you want to call it.
Ellie, thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteI always considered myself a NORP. I love a glass of red wine. Like a lot. But we open a bottle and it lasts us 3 evenings usually. And I don't think we have more than a couple bottles a month.
But having become a regular reader of your blog, I acknowledge that I drink wine not for the taste. I drink it to take the edge off a hard week (all of them) and to just enjoy. Nothing soothes like a nice meal with a glass of wine to accompany. Friday after school I will sometimes start to think about it.
I have been wondering if this made me NOT a NORP. So thank you for acknowledging that a glass of wine is not much about the taste. Because it's not for me.
Oh and my husband drinks no alcohol beer alot because he likes the taste. And the real stuff makes him lazy after dinner (and this is why I married him) and he doesn't want to be lazy after dinner.
I'm a NORP. I *do* enjoy a glass of my Chilean merlot after the kids go to bed, a bottle lasts me all week. I can't even IMAGINE spitting it out. And yes, I know that it will help me unwind while watching Criminal Minds or The Mentalist; which is why I drink that instead of a nice, tall glass of milk.
ReplyDeleteI've been both. NORP-ee and a Drunk-ee. One part of life invites me along for some 10's and drinks help that. Other parts of the ride I'm fine with the 5's and 7's and I literally drink for the taste. So why did I quit? Just in case my 5 gets zoom-ee and I'm angst-ee and I drink and drink and then drive somewhere. Life is already too short and scary. Thanks for all the language to describe - I appreciate and agree with what you're up to Ms Ellie!
ReplyDeleteI'd say I'm a NORP, but I'm a child of an alcoholic parent, so it's probably more complicated.
ReplyDeleteI DO love good wine, both for the taste and the relaxation it brings, but also (this feels silly since I'm 35) because it feels "grown up" to have half a glass with dinner. :)
Oooh, the taste is where it's at! Like, say, when you drink grain alcohol! Sooo Smooth!
ReplyDeleteI jest. Of course.
Agree that the anon question would get different answers. There's a lot of alcoholism in my family. My one brother, who I had seen drink and knew his patterns, his wife had an issue with it. So, to him, it affected his marriage and so he go sober. It's all relative. And even people who don't get drunk when they drink could easily have the disease. The craving. The constant thoughts about it.
NORP. Hee.
ReplyDeleteNORP. Hee.
ReplyDeleteOooh, the taste is where it's at! Like, say, when you drink grain alcohol! Sooo Smooth!
ReplyDeleteI jest. Of course.
Agree that the anon question would get different answers. There's a lot of alcoholism in my family. My one brother, who I had seen drink and knew his patterns, his wife had an issue with it. So, to him, it affected his marriage and so he go sober. It's all relative. And even people who don't get drunk when they drink could easily have the disease. The craving. The constant thoughts about it.
I'm a NORP. I *do* enjoy a glass of my Chilean merlot after the kids go to bed, a bottle lasts me all week. I can't even IMAGINE spitting it out. And yes, I know that it will help me unwind while watching Criminal Minds or The Mentalist; which is why I drink that instead of a nice, tall glass of milk.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading several of your posts this evening. Got your blog address through a magazine. This one is my favorite so far, because I am a 0 OR 10 kind of person too (in life in general). Wish I could meet you. You are a true inspiration, as I can relate to so many of your posts. Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDelete