What Can I Say

This past weekend Heather and I went to Lexington, Kentucky to do our keynote speech to help raise funds for St. Agnes House.  I've talked a lot here about their mission - to provide a comfortable and affordable place for patients and their caregivers to stay while undergoing treatments of all kinds, but mainly cancer - but to see it firsthand was very moving for me.  Each room appointed like a bedroom in a home, not in a clinical, medicinal way.  Lovely, inviting common areas, where people can connect, console and share their journey together.  

The doors each have a dry-erase board with the name of the person staying there. I couldn't help but notice several of them had drawn smiley faces under their name.

It is a hopeful place. I wanted more than ever to do it justice, raise funds and awareness for such a worthy cause.

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I'm not sure what to say about the keynote itself.  I'm still processing it all, really. 

The Ego is a fragile thing, oh so easily cracked and bruised. Heather and I wrote the keynote not from our heads, but from our hearts, infusing it with humor, truth and faith and not holding back. I won't speak for her, but I'm proud of it. 

So when we realized the turnout for the event itself would be lower - a lot lower - than expected, my Ego threw a major toddlery tantrum, and then curled into the fetal position and felt sorry for itself.  Heather and I sat on a bench outside the hall looking at each other with a kind of glazed expression - did we fail?

We hadn't even started, hadn't uttered a word, and I was grappling with the voice in my head that tells me I'm small, insignificant, that I'm not interesting/talented/compelling enough to draw a crowd.

Thankfully, Heather and I were there together, and we took a deep breath, reminded each other it was God's event - not ours - and that sometimes the Universe has plans you can't see.  Maybe there was one person in there who really needed to hear our message.  Maybe that one person was me.  

By the time we got rolling, I was fine.  I put my Ego into a time-out, and reached into my heart, my soul, with abandon.  We shared our truths, got the audience members to share some of theirs, made some new friendships. 

After, as I was thinking it all through, I realized that it didn't matter if we were talking to one person or one thousand.  Just the privilege of being there to speak our truths, to deepen my connection with Heather and meet new and interesting people was enough.  More than enough.  

A part of me still felt sheepish, small, in that insecure place in my brain - that mad, drunken monkey that I can never really get rid of and who cackles at me, makes me feel badly.  I've stopped pretending I'll ever make that monkey completely go away.

The Ego is a fragile thing.

Holli, Me and Heather

Thankfully, we were going to a Brandi Carlile concert that night -Heather, Holli and me.  Holli is someone who was a complete stranger to me (other than tweets and emails to plan this event) before Kentucky.  Over the course of three days we became friends - had a soul-clink that resonates right through me and makes me smile.  She is a rabid Brandi Carlile fan, and emailed us beforehand to say she could get us tickets.  I remember thinking:  I think I like Brandi Carlile?  I kept meaning to go to You Tube and listen to her songs before I left, but never got around to it.

It didn't take long into the concert (first song, in fact) for me to realize exactly who she is, and marvel at her extraordinary talent.  

It was a stunning, clear night, and we were sitting in an amphitheater under the stars. I took deep breaths of the of cool evening air, felt the music pulse through my chest, and felt such gratitude to be in the company of such soulful, funny, lovely women.  

Brandi Carlile Concert

It wasn't until she played her third song 'What Can I Say' that I felt my chest crack wide open, and the tears came pouring down my face. Pent up tears of two weeks of stress, fun, missing my family, going on adventures.  But also? This song makes me think of my Dad and how much I miss him.  What a blessing to be with safe people to hug.  

Look to the clock on the wall,

Hands hardly moving at all.
Can't stand the state that I'm in 
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
time, time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say?

I cried and I let it all go, at least for that moment.  I wallowed in the gifts of friendship, of souls clinking together under a starry Kentucky sky. 

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If you haven't already done so, will you please consider donating to St. Agnes House?  Not to preserve my precious ego, or make me feel less sheepish, but because it's a very worthy cause.  I promise - this will be the last time I ask. But after having met these incredible people in person - Holli, Laurie, Susan and so many others - I want more than ever to help them keep St. Agnes House going.  

OH - and please go read Laurie's post about the evening.  Laurie is the Priest at St. Michael's - the church that hosted the event - and she is a wise, insightful and oh-so-funny woman.  Hers is one of the most powerful posts I've ever read on Beautiful Messiness (the theme of the evening), truth, and God.  

Little Gems - It's All About the Awesome

There are little gems in my life - places I go on the internet to recharge my spirit, have a good laugh or marvel at someone's unique brand of creativity.     These are places of innovation, humor, grace and beauty.    Please take a moment to check them out; you won't be disappointed.

Hyperbole and A Half is the blog of an amazing woman named Allie.  I go here when I want a belly laugh - you know the kind that makes tears stream down your face and call to someone in the next room to say "You HAVE to come see this!!"    Yeah, that kind.   

I don't know how to describe Allie's blog, other than to say she uses Paintbrush to create cartoon images that boggle my mind, she is one of the funniest women on the internet, and I think she's a genius.   My favorite post of hers is this one, so if you're not going to go to her blog and check it out, at least click on that link.   If you don't start reading her, though, you're simply not laughing enough.

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Storybleed is an online magazine (it is also printed quarterly) that combines images and words in a way I've never seen before.   It shouldn't surprise me that Storybleed is all sorts of awesome, because many of my favorite women in all the land are editors and writers.   Founded and published by the amazing Megan Jordan, this is how Storybleed describes itself:  

"Find yourself where stories blur the lines.   Story Bleed aches for you to discover yourself where the lines between our stories bleed together, unexpectedly resonating. Lines smeared by the eager hand. A literary magazine celebrating essays and art that move and enlighten."

Do yourself a favor:  find a few quiet moments, a steaming cup of hot coffee and lose yourself to the beauty that is Storybleed.  
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EllisLynnStudio is the shiny brand new Etsy shop of my friend, Catherine.   While I love doing nice things for friends and promoting their businesses and stuff, I'm here posting about Catherine's shop because I love her creativity.    Where the rest of us see an ordinary household object, Catherine sees art.   She even makes her own handmade paper, creating stunning colors and textures that display her own unique style.

My new favorite pieces of Catherine's are her Let Go/God Boxes.      When I'm struggling with something in my life that I just can't seem to let go of, I write it on a piece of paper and put it into my Let Go Box, close the lid, and walk away.  I have a little ritual around how I do this - you can discover your own - and all I can say is it really helps me stop ruminating cycles, negative or corrosive thinking and reminds me that I don't have as much control as I'd like to think I do.

I also use it to store my recovery medallions - each box has a heart inside, as well as an inspirational message:

Each box comes with a beautifully crafted message, too:

These boxes are the perfect gift for any friend or loved one, someone going through a difficult time, or someone in recovery.  

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I was recently introduced to another wonderful Etsy shop, LadyBird Land.     I love her folk art, with its vibrant colors and powerful, oftentimes funny, messages.   She sells magnets, prints and pendants and I love how she arranges her shop not by the type of piece, but by categories like:  For the FUR LOVING Girl, For the CREATIVE Girl, for the FAITHFUL, etc.   My favorite?   For the SASSY Girl.    I have this magnet on my fridge:

And this Print is a favorite, too:

"She's Sassy, Classy and a Little Bad-Assey" 

If you follow Brene Brown's blog, Ordinary Courage (and if you're not, shame on you) she's hosting a giveaway RIGHT NOW for LadyBird Land.   Run, don't walk, to check out her amazing store.

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So, that's my list for today.   Please tell me about the awesome places you go, too.   

FULL DISCLOSURE:   I wasn't compensated or even prompted to talk about anything in this post.  I did this all on my own because I'm all about spreading the AWESOME around.