Last Friday, there was a 20/20 episode on Moms who struggle with drinking. It featured four moms - one of whom left her high powered job to stay home full time with her young daughter, and slipped into addiction to alcohol quickly. Another Mom had been drinking for over 20 years, and her family had finally had enough and sent her to rehab. Mary Karr - author of Lit and many other really fine memoirs was on to talk about her struggles with alcohol as a young mother. She is now 20 years sober. My friend Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, of the fabulous blog Baby on Bored (as well as three hysterically funny books about life and motherhood), was on as well, speaking about her struggles and exemplifying that life exists on the other side of the bottle.
I have conflicting emotions when I watch shows about mothers and drinking. I was on a show about mothers and drinking, for crying out loud, and I still feel really itchy about the media coverage on this topic.
I am pleased that the main stream media is talking about this problem. It's not a new problem; there have always been alcoholic mothers. For years they suffered in silence and shame - most of them still do. I believe strongly that the only way to combat addiction is to talk about it, shine a light on the problem and try to get more people to understand the true nature of addiction.
Beginning with the Diane Schuler tragedy last August, there has been increased media attention on Moms who drink. This is where the squirm factor starts for me. Alcoholic mothers face a double-whammy, in my opinion. Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is hard enough, without having fears that you will be branded a "bad mother". The fact that main stream media considers drinking moms headline worthy is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because at least we're talking about it. A curse because it heightens, in my opinion, the idea that Moms should somehow be exempt from the stresses and foibles that everyone else faces. Moms, quite simply, are the last to come apart, because they don't feel like they are allowed to fall to pieces.
We've come a long way, but the blueprint of the perfect mother, the woman who can do it all, still hangs over our heads. Many mothers I know still struggle against the notion that they should be able to do everything: raise kids, work full-time (or part-time), cook meals, keep house, manage school and activity schedules, bake a mean batch of brownies, keep fit, and give her man some good lovin' along the way. I'm being a little facetious, but you get the point: it's a tall order, and it's no wonder many mothers struggle. Alcohol winds its way into many women's lives when they become mothers, because it helps them hide from their fear that they don't measure up.
I have found an unbelievable community of women dedicated to busting the myth of the perfect Mom, both in my day-to-day life and online. Some are in in the recovery community as well, but many are Moms who write with honesty and love about the struggles of parenting. Social media outlets like blogging, facebook and twitter provide the perfect platform for a little honest sharing.
And then there are many, many Moms I meet who are struggling - with addiction (drugs, alcohol, food, shopping), depression and anxiety, who don't believe they can wave the white flag, because what would happen to the kids? What would her friends think? Everyone else makes it look so easy! They are far more frightened of being branded a bad mother than being branded alcoholic, depressed, addicted or afraid.
So, while we're shedding a light on the problem of women and addiction, let's also have a discourse about why women - mothers especially - fall into this perfection trap? Why do Moms feel that they are supposed to be impenetrable? Why do we put our hands up to our mouths in shock when we see a woman who left her high-powered job to stay home with her daughter full-time and she can't handle it? It wouldn't be nearly as newsworthy if a Dad left his job to stay home and couldn't hack it. Of course he couldn't, many of us would think. And why? Because women are somehow stronger? Better equipped to fend off addiction or depression?
I want to know what you all think. If you saw the 20/20 episode, or other recent media coverage about Moms who drink, what did you think? How does it make you feel? Shocked? Angry? Relieved?
Talk to me, people.
Edited to add: After reading some of the comments, I want to mention one other, very important, point about the 20/20 episode. Stefanie's part in that show was so important, I believe, because she demonstrates that you don't have to take the elevator of addiction all the way down to reach out for help, to get sober. She said one other extremely important thing, too, which was that the 'secret will keep you sick'. More and more, women are finding venues where they can reach out for help earlier in their struggle . The Yahoo board Stef co-founded - the Booze Free Brigade - is an example of a safe place women can come together to talk about alcohol without fear of judgment or alienation.
Women feel that they must excel at motherhood because deep down, despite all the progress we have made towards equality, there still exists a belief that this is what women are for. That motherhood is our true purpose and so if we don't like it much or can't cope, then we have failed as women and as human beings. That's a pretty big trip.
ReplyDeleteI understand as a woman who has issues with alcohol herself (although I do not now drink) the fear of being labelled a bad mother. But I have also taken responsibility for the fact that when I was actively drinking I wasn't being a good parent. I was putting my own desire to drink before the needs of my own children. There's no pretty way of saying it - that's just shit you know?
The children of alcoholics - whether they be the mother or father - suffer tremendously through no fault of their own. They don't have a choice, but we do. We can STOP.
I thought the 20/20 episode was so-so. I wished they had used a less noticeable alcoholic than the one they sent to rehab. She quite clearly had a problem, whereas many of us were able to hide it to the point where our husbands didn't even suspect anything was wrong.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please don't get the idea that the treatment center they featured is the norm. It most definitely is not. Think more along the lines of cinderblock walls & dorm furniture. No acupuncture, meditation, etc. If I'd been to the rehab they showed, I would relapse every year just to go back on vacation.
I have advocated for more media coverage on moms who drink, because it's a larger problem than the general public realizes. If I'd known there were other soccer mom types who had alcohol addiction like I did, I think I would have asked for help sooner. As it is, the stigma of a mommy drinker is so rampant that we hide our problems and continue deeper in the abyss of alcoholism, loneliness, and depression.
Thanks for starting the conversation!
I cringed a lot during 20/20. Partly because I felt like the interviewer was condescending (and I usually like her) and partly because the example were so extreme. I loved stefanie's interview because I relate to her so very much, but the others reminded me of what you theink when you think alcoholic. People around them knew. Peoplearound me weren't so aware... maybe because I stopped relatively early in my disease.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally rambling, but really, I agree w/ you. I think its a blessing and a curse, but like you said its getting the discussion started.
Ellie - your post raises so many good questions and issues. I don't have the answers to anything except I believe that a big part of our problem (men and women) is believing that we can "have it all" and if we don't "have it all" we feel shame and guilt.
ReplyDeleteBack in the days before television you could only measure yourself by looking within your own community. With television we are given a false artifice as the norm for happiness. We will never live up to Madison Avenue's picture of a happy affluent family, with working Moms who still get it all done with a smile on thier face and a hot body to boot. Or cheerful Dads who aren't stressed out and love nothing more than to play ball with their children on a freshly mowed lawn.
We are bombarded with these images everyday. They sink in to us...they contaminate us...and they help to make all of us feel inadequate...a feeling that contributes directly to addiction.
-Karin in CT
Wow. I want to go watch that episode now. And (FYI) I quit drinking in January and have been going to AA at least once or twice/week. Maggie (Okay Fine Dammit) inspired me to go. But, I had already made the decision. I live in a bedroom community of Madison, WI and I'm always amazed at the lack of women at the meetings (in a room of 20, maybe 2 women on average). And the women are usually over 40. I know more people must be out there...when I mention to my friends I'm going to AA, you'd be surprised how the confessions start coming out. I think it's a relief to just talk about the elephant in the room.
ReplyDeleteI was disappointed in the 20/20 episode. I have been trying to convince my husband that I have a drinking problem because I'd like his help getting past my addiction. All of the teasers during Gray's Anatomy the night before were of Stef, so I sat him down to watch it with me. We sat through the first few women who presented like the stereotypical alcoholic and he fell asleep before Stef was even on. So he remains convinced that my real problem is my anxiety. I worry about everything (even my drinking). Thanks 20/20.
ReplyDeleteStef's story, along with many other of the Friday posts on her blog, help me feel like I'm not alone. I wish we would talk more openly about this as a society. Hell, even my therapist seems to think that nightly drinking is ok...why is everyone so quick to defend their "nightcap"? Drinking is apparently fine, unless your lying in the gutter or have your second DUI. It's really a shame that everyone is falling for this sham of normalcy.
I agree with the person who posted above saying perfection is crammed into us on TV nightly. You couldn't be more right. We have an entire society feeling like they can't keep up with life. It's no wonder that we're all finding our drug of choice to cope with our inadequacies.
Did you notice how many people are now drinking, excessively, in shows now though? Courtney Cox and her wine in Cougar Town, Private Practice, Gray's Anatomy, Daytime Soaps. Everyone is drinking CONSTANTLY. Are we holding a mirror up to say this is wrong? Or to say everyone does it? What is the message?!?! Certainly most people on TV are starting to seem like alcoholics to me...
So many things come to my mind-- and I only caught the last ten minutes of the 20-20 episode.
ReplyDeleteI am not an alcoholic mother, and sometimes the pressure to get everything done in the best possible way is so great that it makes me feel like a bad mother when I cannot acocmplish this unrealistic goal. Whew! Run-on! I think more open, candid conversations about the realities mothers face today are warranted, but I did not like 20-20's style.
I also found it to be condescending, especially after reading the tandem posts between you and Liz. Those are real. They talk about real feelings, real fear, unscripted, not digging for ratings boosts. What the two of you wrote will help countless women seek treatment or support loved ones who seek treatment.
The 20-20 episode was just another way to look down on others, to me. I wish they would have handled it better, so that we could have more open conversations about these types of issues.
I think the thing about motherhood is often not the universal desire to be perfect, but the stigma of admitting it is not easy. And that some days are downright hard.
ReplyDeleteIf it were accepted that motherhood IS hard and some days you just want to fax in your resignation, maybe there would be less addiction for women in those circumstances.
So if the media attention is going somewhere, I wish it would be LESS judgmental of women who turned to alcohol to cope and MORE acknowledging how full the plate is (with many partners shouldering far less than half the load) and how hard it can be.
Oh and I agree about the drinking on TV. Cougartown in particular. They actually had a 'reverse intervention' where the main character wanted to quit drinking for a month and everyone got together to intervene to get her to start drinking again.
Personally, the first year of motherhood SUCKED big time. And I didn't try to hide that from anyone, that I know of. I was either crying or had major circles under my eyes (or both) for the entire year. I told everyone in my life that it was too hard and I needed help.
ReplyDeleteAnd, to a person, they all looked uncomfortable and tried to "cheer me up" instead of actually offering to help. This includes my immediate family, extended family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc.
So, sometimes it's everyone AROUND the mother causing the problem, and not the mom herself.
@Tzipporah, I was thinking more of the non baby years. Plenty of sympathy for the sleep-deprived first year, I agree. After that it's all supposed to be gooey kisses and hilarious toddler antics. And once they're in school, it's smooth sailing. As if.
ReplyDeleteWow - amazing insights, everyone. Thank you for commenting. I am so interested in this phenomenon ... because sometimes I think that maybe I'm just being jaded and cynical - just seeing the bits in the media (about addiction, or perfect mothers) and overlooking the progress we're making. Because I think these dialogues absolutely represent progress.
ReplyDeleteI think one way to counterbalance the way women/mothers are projected on television, magazines, in the media is already happening - taking our stories and opinions to the internet, the blogosphere, and making ourselves heard. That's a good thing.
But it shows like Cougartown, Desperate Housewives, or these media exposes on Moms who drink - they paint such a subjective picture it makes me nuts. A few shows have tried to take a stab at the "real mom", but very few (if any?) have succeeded in my opinion.
Keep talking - this is great. It's making me think a LOT.
-Ellie
I think Roseanne was a pretty realistic TV mother!
ReplyDelete- Karin in CT
I think Roseanne was a pretty realistic TV mother! - Karin in CT
ReplyDeleteI loved reading the responses so far. My first reaction to the 20/20 episode was that maybe, just maybe, one woman would see herself in one of the women and get help. I know when I was a new mom, I wanted my son to have it all. Perfect tummy time, perfectly matched nursery, perfect well-checks with yes answers to all those develpmental questions. Anything less was a reflection on me. I graduated from a great college. I taught at a high-achieving high school in an affluent community. I knew what I was capable of doing. Unfortunately, being a mommy does not have the same bench marks or accolades, so I relied on the committee in my head to tell me how I was doing. Of course, they decided I was doing a shitty job and that everyone was better than me. Just as one of the anonymous posters said, no one around me knew I had a problem with the exception of my husband. We alcoholics know how much effort that took to create the perfect shell on the outside of perfection and happiness. So, how do I feel about the show? As a woman in recovery, I was sad to see one woman's relapse, but I know that is the norm rather than the exception. I hope that the "average viewer" went away a little more educated rather than a little more judgemental. But I guess I will be satisfied if one woman gets help. I did notice that we had some new posters on BFB today, so I guess that it worked. Great topic! It really got me thinking.
ReplyDeleteWeird! The post above is actually mine, but I was logged into the CON gmail acoount, so it posted Robin's name. It was mine!
ReplyDeleteThe post above is actually mine. I was logged into the CON gmail account when I posted it, so it put in Robin's name.
ReplyDeleteThat's okay, Val. I like that comment so I'm happy to claim it : ) And Ellie your post reminds me of something I've been noticing ALL THE TIME lately, for some reason: how often the media, particularly advertising, reinforces the notion of the do-it-all Mom. "You take care of everyone else.... " "You do it all... shouldn't you do it in fabulous shoes?" SERIOUSLY. That was an ad I saw yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI second the Roseanne! :)
ReplyDeleteActually, I have been watching Parenthood recently, and I am happy with the way they have handled things thus far. I look forward to watching more of it.
Does anyone watch Modern Family?? That's a family I could feel comfortable in!
ReplyDelete@Val a.ka. Robin, I love the "committee in my head" comment!
A friend of mine posted this link to 'the ghost in the room, or, why modesty is a dirty fucking word' and I thought of all my awesome friends (virtual and other) and especially you. This is *slightly* off topic but I think is part of a root cause of what you are talking about - and wanted to share.
ReplyDeletehttp://synecdochic.dreamwidth.org/401060.html
I found the interviewer a bit condescending (I don't usually watch 20/20 so maybe she is always like that?), so that irked me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't think the two women who they showed, who went to the OASIS (holy sheets folks, that place is a spa, not rehab as I knew it!), were models of well, most of us. So many of us moms hid it SO well. No one knew I was, other than my husband.
And as I watched, part of me felt like the media was just putting this little bit of info out there because it sells, not because they want to help. Because someone, somewhere, said that the MommyBlogs are a twitter with talk about sobriety and alcoholism.
I thought both Mary Karr and Stephanie Wilder-Taylor were excellent however! I wish WISH they'd let them talk more.
Wow - amazing insights, everyone. Thank you for commenting. I am so interested in this phenomenon ... because sometimes I think that maybe I'm just being jaded and cynical - just seeing the bits in the media (about addiction, or perfect mothers) and overlooking the progress we're making. Because I think these dialogues absolutely represent progress.
ReplyDeleteI think one way to counterbalance the way women/mothers are projected on television, magazines, in the media is already happening - taking our stories and opinions to the internet, the blogosphere, and making ourselves heard. That's a good thing.
But it shows like Cougartown, Desperate Housewives, or these media exposes on Moms who drink - they paint such a subjective picture it makes me nuts. A few shows have tried to take a stab at the "real mom", but very few (if any?) have succeeded in my opinion.
Keep talking - this is great. It's making me think a LOT.
-Ellie
Wow. I want to go watch that episode now. And (FYI) I quit drinking in January and have been going to AA at least once or twice/week. Maggie (Okay Fine Dammit) inspired me to go. But, I had already made the decision. I live in a bedroom community of Madison, WI and I'm always amazed at the lack of women at the meetings (in a room of 20, maybe 2 women on average). And the women are usually over 40. I know more people must be out there...when I mention to my friends I'm going to AA, you'd be surprised how the confessions start coming out. I think it's a relief to just talk about the elephant in the room.
ReplyDelete