Safe and Warm

I pad through the house, shutting off lights one by one. My head is heavy with thoughts.

Peeking into the kids' room, always my last stop before bed, I find my daughter lying awake, looking at the ceiling.

Tiptoeing up to the side of her bed, I lean down and whisper, "Can't sleep?"

Wide-eyed, she looks up at me. "My brain won't stop thinking, Momma," she says.

Sitting on the side of her bed, I stroke her hair.

"My project is due in nine days," she says, her lip quivering, "and I have a spelling test tomorrow.  Now it's late and I'm worried I won't ever fall asleep."

"My brain does this too," I whisper. 

I stroke her hair a while longer, and she closes her eyes.   "Think about right now, this very moment," I say. "You are safe and warm in your bed, the world is sleeping. Listen to the sound of your breaths.  Don't think about tomorrow; clear your mind."

"Say it over and over to yourself: safe and warm. I am safe and warm."

"Safe and warm," she murmurs.  "Safe and warm."  She reaches out and clutches my arm.  "Stay for a bit, Momma, please?"

I stay, whispering into her ear: You are safe. You are safe." 

Gradually, her grip on my arm relaxes, and her breathing slows to a steady rhythm.  She is asleep.

~~~~~

Later, my eyes fly open.  Outside the wind is howling, and I pull the covers up to my chin.   The middle-of-the-night thoughts scratch at the door; adult sized worries thumping to get in.  My world feels precariously perched, spinning like a top.  So much is unknown these days - test after test to try and diagnose the lump in my neck. An operation to remove my tonsils in six days.  Phrases like 'abnormal cells' ping through my brain. A cold finger of fear runs down my spine. 

I close my eyes and reach under the blanket, find my husband's strong warm body, and wrap my trembling fingers around his forearm.  I can feel the steady pulse of his heartbeat, hear the soothing sounds of his sleeping breaths. 

Safe and warm, I think.  Right now, in this moment, I'm safe and warm.  

Tomorrow's worries fade with each thump of his heartbeat. 

Slowly, slowly, I fall asleep, safe and warm in my bed.

~~~~~~

This post is part of Just Write, Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary's link-up where we, well, just write.  Come join us, by clicking here.