I Am A Total Loser

I realized this morning, as I struggled to pick up Finn, that he weighs 42 lbs.   I have lost 42 lbs.

Just for kicks I walked around with him on my hip for about five minutes.    It doesn't seem possible to me that I had this much extra weight on my frame.

Eating healthy has woven its way into my life in such a way that I don't notice, really, that I'm dieting.     Part of that is Jenny Craig - the meal plans make it so I don't have to think about it too much.

I'm at the point where I'm weaning off their food, substituting more and more meals each week with my own creations.    I thought this would be more difficult than it is.   Maybe because it is summer, and grilled veggies, chicken breast, or a veggie burger are easy to do.  I just throw my food on the grill next to the hamburgers, sausage and hot dogs my family is eating.   

I have discovered I love salad - crisp, cold veggies are the perfect meal on a hot day.    My favorite dessert is fruit salad with a tiny dab of whipped cream on top.   

The biggest change so far is portion size.   The first two weeks of Operation Get Healthy were a hard dose of reality.   I tore open the box for the Grilled Chicken Breast sandwich like a crazy person, and my face fell when I saw the whole sandwich was no bigger than my palm.     In the beginning, the pasta meals looked like an appetizer - six or seven bites and the whole thing was gone.

My body, which knows how much food it needs (as opposed to my brain, which has no clue) adjusted after a few weeks.  

Now? It's a mental game.

I have tough moments, when all I want is a big bag of salty chips or a huge plate of sausage stir fry.     I don't really have a sweet tooth - it's the salty, cheesy carbs that call to me.    I can't let myself get too hungry, I've learned, or once I start eating I have a hard time stopping.     In general, I eat something about every two hours.    If I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm very rarely hungry at all.

Yesterday, I went shopping.   I'm getting excited to go to the BlogHer conference in New York, and I wanted to pick up a couple of things to wear.    I haven't bought clothes in a while; I don't want to invest too much money in outfits until I've reached my goal weight.   

I grabbed a few pairs of shorts and tee-shirts and headed into the dressing room.   Everything was too big.    That has never, ever happened to me before.

I went back out into the store and got smaller sizes.    When I slid a pair of shorts over my hips that is - no joke - five sizes smaller than what I was wearing back in March, my mouth dropped open in surprise.   

I'm not obsessively weighing myself, or thinking about food.   If you told me at the outset of all this that I could lose 42 pounds and it would feel, well, easy, I would have laughed in your face.    I don't mean to imply that it's effortless, because it's not.    It's a matter of making a series of good choices throughout each day, and with time that comes more naturally.    The siren call of cheesy, salty carbs is getting quieter and quieter.

Besides, I can eat carbs.  I can eat cheese.   I can eat salt - in moderation.    I used to hate that word.    For years moderation was a concept that eluded me.    One of my favorite recovery sayings about having a drink is:  "One is too many, and a thousand isn't enough".     The same thing can be said, for me, about food.   If I can stay away from the first potato chip, cupcake or cookie, I'll be okay. 

I never understood this before, but I unconsciously ate in response to moods.   Boredom was a big one for me.   Anger was another one.    Now I have a little test I give myself when I'm tempted to snack.   If I'm really hungry I'll eat the carrot sticks, or the piece of fruit.   If I don't want those things, but rather something to fill an emotional need, then I need to do something else to address how I'm feeling.  

Eating healthy, losing weight, isn't a state of deprivation.  It's a state of mind.   Instead of dwelling on all the things I can't eat, I try to focus on all the possibilities, the freedoms, I have now that I didn't before.   Like picking out an outfit because I like it, not simply because it fits.   Or running a 5k.  Or waking up in the morning without an aching back and creaking knees.  

I also realize, now, how much the mental game comes into play.    I don't weigh myself during the week, only at my weekly Jenny Craig appointment.   Last Wednesday I went in feeling like I was having a 'fat day'.   I was convinced I had gained weight, and prepared myself mentally.    I was completely wrong.   I was down another two pounds.  Other times I'll think I've lost more than usual, only to find out I haven't.   

It proves to me once and for all that much of what my brain tells me is complete bullshit.  

It also proves that slow and steady wins the race.    Although I'm following Jenny Craig, I chose it because it doesn't feel like a 'quick fix' to me - it doesn't smack of a fad diet.    Because the end goal is to get off their food and standing on your own two feet, I don't have to worry about a lifetime of buying special foods or taking a special supplement.   I've been there, and I know it doesn't work.

I'm within 15 lbs of my goal weight.   And when I get there? 

I will have lost the equivalent of my 7 year old.