Guest Post at Drinking Diaries

One of the side effects of the increased media attention surrounding mothers who drink is that women and drinking fell under a lot of scrutiny.    While I'm pleased that the problem of women, particularly mothers, who drink in secret is in the public discourse more and more, it is also true that the majority of women who drink are not alcoholics.

The Drinking Diaries is a website dedicated to discussing women and alcohol.   Caren and Leah, who founded the site, describe it this way:

Drinking Diaries is a forum for women to share, vent, express, and discuss their drinking stories without judgment. Whether you drink or not, are the child of an alcoholic or the mother of a future drinker, sip wine on occasion or binge drink for sport—we want to hear your story....We want to reach out to women, like us, for whom alcohol—for whatever reason—is also a loaded topic. And so, we started The Drinking Diaries.

I was thrilled to guest post there today.  They asked me to write a bit about what it is like to be a friend or family member who loves someone struggling with alcohol.    Stop on by and read The Alcoholic Next Door if you have a chance.   And please leave a comment if you have something to add - addiction touches everyone around an alcoholic or addict, and it can be hard to know what to do.

If you click on "photo source" at the bottom of the page, it will take you to an article I was quoted in that appeared in USA Today last summer, entitled The Secret Lives of Female Alcoholics.   

Thank you.

The Gifts of Sobriety

Three years ago, on Mother's Day, we were driving to my sister-in-law's for a mid-day lunch.

The thought of an entire day without alcohol was terrifying to me, so I snuck wine in my purse.   We stopped at a local chocolate shop, and while Steve was inside picking up a gift for his Mom, I snuck a sip from the bottle.   When he came back into the car, he immediately knew I had been drinking, grabbed my purse and found my stash.

He didn't yell or scream - the kids were in the backseat - he simply turned around and drove me home.   As he kicked me out of the car he said, calmly, "Why don't you stay home with your booze.  It's where you want to be anyway,"   and drove off with the kids.   On the way back to his sister's, he threw the Mother's Day cards from him and the kids out the window.

~~~~~~~~~

This morning I opened my eyes, rested and refreshed, to a glorious spring morning.   I could hear the kids making breakfast with Steve downstairs, and I took a moment to listen to the birds chirping, the newly blossomed leaves rustling in the wind:

A few minutes later, I heard the kids padding up the stairs, and two little voices said, "Momma?  You awake?"    I peeked over the covers and saw this:

(Greta's stomach says "Oobi stay always".  Don't ask - I don't know either)

They hopped into bed with me, chanting "Happy' Mother's Day, Momma!"     Perfection.

Me, first thing in the morning.   I know, I'm brave.  

Today, I said a prayer of thanks.   Every sober day is a gift, and I am truly blessed.  

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

Subject: One Crafty Mother. Diagnosis: Human

Progress Report

Subject:  One Crafty Mother

Date:  Mother's Day 2010

File Number:  404RTFM*

The following is the Parenting Committee's Annual Pre-Mother's Day Progress Report.    Subject is a 40 year old mother of two impressionable young humans:   Greta, aged 7 and Finn, aged 4.    She shares parenting responsibility with male subject Steve, File Number: 143MWAH.    Also under their care:  one elderly canine, six chickens and one teddy bear hamster.   

SOCIAL/LANGUAGE SKILLS:   Subject plays well with others.   Her verbal communication is usually clear, and she uses her words nicely.   However, the committee would like to remind Subject that "crap" is technically a bad word, and spelling S-H-I-T is no longer a viable alternative to swearing.  The Committee recognizes that social occasions without alcohol can be trying, and commends Subject for her skill in small talk without the assistance of any intoxicant.     Areas for improvement include increased tolerance for multiple interrogatives, even when delivered by both children simultaneously.   "Because I just don't freaking know, that's why!" is not an acceptable response to questions, no matter how inane they are or how frequently they are asked.  

COGNITIVE ABILITY:   Committee acknowledges that Subject was once quite skilled in academics and business.    Subject would be well advised to brush-up on more applicable topics.  Some of these are as follows:

1. 
   
   Imaginary Play:    Child expects a realistic imitation of a canine, not a half-hearted "woof".  This requires physical skill and agility, including but not limited to crawling on hands and knees and sniffing butts.  
2. 
   
   Repetitive Humor:   Knock-knock jokes are a valuable part of a child's development, and Subject should be aware that failure to respond "who's there?", no matter how many times it is required, could lead to permanent emotional scarring.    
3. 
   
   Reasoning:   This area requires significant improvement.     Subject is reminded that she is, in fact, in charge.   The Committee acknowledges that the children have youth and determination working in their favor, but Subject should be able to employ superior reasoning skills.  "Because I said so," and "I'm  the Mom, that's why," will not be effective responses in the future.
4. 
   
   Memory:   Subject is diagnosed with a severe case of CRM.    There is no long term cure for this affliction, and Subject should start writing everything down.     For those unfamiliar with the disease, it strikes people after the age of 35 or after childbirth, whichever comes first, and means "Can't Remember Shit."

ORGANIZATIONAL:    Improvements in the area of memory (see above) should improve Subject's limited skills in this area.   Recommended Plan of Action:   inspect the contents of the childrens' backpacks on a daily basis, read and follow through on all notices, bulletins and permission slips.   Subject should not continue to rely on social mediums such as Facebook to stay up to speed on all relevant activities.    Facebook status notifications like those dated March 18, 2010:  "Help!  Did I miss soccer registration?"  and April 21st:  "Why are there so many cars in front of the elementary school - did I miss a memo?"  are ineffective and potentially embarrassing.

DISCIPLINARY:   While subject has made significant strides in this area, improvement in Organization (see above) will decrease last minute rushing about, necessitating the use of empty threats, pleading, and lack of follow through.   These are generally considered ineffective disciplinary tactics.    The Committee commends Subject's attempts at reward-based parenting (although Committee observed that the "Yelling Jar" resulted in contributions only from Subject and not from children).   

CONCLUSION:   Subject is a loving, active and involved parent who clearly loves her children.    Daily quotas of hugs, kisses, giggles and general ridiculousness are always met.    Committee wishes to remind Subject that she is only human, and advises Subject to keep her chin up, because she is doing the best she can.

*404 - for all you coding geeks
*RTFM - one for all you crazy texters.   Google it if you don't understand. 

Just A Day

There is a lot to do today, I thought as I silenced my alarm yesterday morning.
    

I am swamped with Mother's Day jewelry orders, and I had to get three orders in the mail by 5pm.   I was proud of myself, because I knew it was going to be a busy week, so I went to the jewelry store Monday and stocked up on all the supplies I would need, trying to avoid my usual last minute mad dash to the store with a 4 year old in tow.  

I woke up with a plan - my whole day sketched out:  eat breakfast, get Greta on the bus, go to the gym, lunch, playtime with Finn, a friend/customer coming by around 2pm to pick up an order (that I needed to finish first) and then the afternoon dedicated to making the orders that had to be mailed that day.   

By 9:30am it was clear the gym wasn't going to happen.    Finn has allergies, and was cranky, tired and needy.   He refused to go to the gym's daycare, and threw himself on the floor screaming as I was trying to get out the door.

I worked out at home, with Finn draped across my chest as I lay on the floor doing sit-ups.    My half hour exercise routine took over an hour, what with stopping to get him a snack, fetch toys or change the television channel in a desperate attempt to distract him.  

At 11am Finn and I had a picnic lunch outside, played on the swings, and kicked the soccer ball around while I tried not to glance the clock.   At 12pm we went upstairs for a snuggle; I was hoping he would take a nap.    No such luck.   I gave up at 1pm, went back downstairs and plugged him into a movie, wincing at the thought that he was watching television on a gorgeous day. 

I settled down in my jewelry studio (read:  dining room table) and was pulling together the supplies I would need when the big yellow bus pulled up outside.   I had completely forgotten it was a half-day at school for Greta.   As she bounded up the driveway I cursed myself for my absentmindedness - what if I hadn't been home?   The mother-guilt dug deeper.

Greta and I chatted about her day, I got her a snack and sent the two of them outside to the swing set.   My friend came by with two of her kids, and I finished up her order while our kids played.   

She left at 3:15pm, and I drew a deep breath.   I have just enough time to finish these bracelets, I thought. 

Greta and Finn started fighting, something about Finn touching her favorite stuffed animal.   I separated them - Greta played at the computer and Finn watched his movie.  The first two bracelets took 30 minutes to finish.  As I started on the third order, Finn streaked by naked and screaming, Greta burst into tears because her computer game crashed, and the phone started ringing - a local customer calling about the status of her order. 

"MOM! The phone is ringing!" Finn shouted as he streaked by again.   The dog started barking and chasing Finn, and Greta was tugging on my sleeve, sobbing about her computer game.

A low roar began in my head; if I didn't get the last order in the mail, someone wasn't going to get their Mother's Day gift on time.    One kid was crying, one screaming, and the phone rang again.   I felt tears well up, and as calmly as I could I asked the kids to go play outside.   

"But, Finn's NAKED!"  Greta wailed.

"Please help him get some clothes on, and then go outside so I can finish what I need to do," I said in my low, dangerous voice.

"I have to do EVERYTHING around here!"  Greta screamed, and stomped out of the room, dragging a squirming, naked Finn behind her.

Hot tears began flowing down my face.   It's too much, I thought.   I can't even organize one simple day.  I looked at the clock - 4:15pm.     Greta and Finn were fighting in the next room, and the dog was still barking.   I slumped down to the floor with my head in my hands.   Why is it so hard for me?  What am I doing wrong?   I should just close down the jewelry shop.  I can't do anything right.

Just breathe, I thought.  Sit here and focus on your breath.    In.  Out.  It's going to be okay, just do what you can.  In.  Out.

I tried to put things in perspective.   Who would have thought, three years ago, that one day my biggest problem would involve balancing life and my own small business?  That I would have one whole day of playing with my children, creating jewelry, exercising - and not have one thought of a drink?

I picked myself up off the floor, and sat back down at my beading table.    Just do what you can.  

I finished the last bracelet at 4:45pm.    We piled into the car - Finn was wearing one of Greta's dresses and both kids were barefoot, but we made it to the post office in time.   On the way home, Lady Gaga's "Telephone" came on the radio, and we all sang our hearts out.

It's just a day, I thought.   A regular, crazy, horrible, wonderful day. 

Trying To Stir It Up A Bit

Last Friday, there was a 20/20 episode on Moms who struggle with drinking.    It featured four moms - one of whom left her high powered job to stay home full time with her young daughter, and slipped into addiction to alcohol quickly.   Another Mom had been drinking for over 20 years, and her family had finally had enough and sent her to rehab.   Mary Karr - author of Lit and many other really fine memoirs was on to talk about her struggles with alcohol as a young mother.   She is now 20 years sober.   My friend Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, of the fabulous blog Baby on Bored (as well as three hysterically funny books about life and motherhood), was on as well, speaking about her struggles and exemplifying that life exists on the other side of the bottle.  

I have conflicting emotions when I watch shows about mothers and drinking.   I was on a show about mothers and drinking, for crying out loud, and I still feel really itchy about the media coverage on this topic.

I am pleased that the main stream media is talking about this problem.   It's not a new problem; there have always been alcoholic mothers.    For years they suffered in silence and shame - most of them still do.   I believe strongly that the only way to combat addiction is to talk about it, shine a light on the problem and try to get more people to understand the true nature of addiction.

Beginning with the Diane Schuler tragedy last August, there has been increased media attention on Moms who drink.     This is where the squirm factor starts for me.    Alcoholic mothers face a double-whammy, in my opinion.    Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is hard enough, without having fears that you will be branded a "bad mother".    The fact that main stream media considers drinking moms headline worthy is a blessing and a curse.    A blessing because at least we're talking about it.   A curse because it heightens, in my opinion, the idea that Moms should somehow be exempt from the stresses and foibles that everyone else faces.   Moms, quite simply, are the last to come apart, because they don't feel like they are allowed to fall to pieces.  

We've come a long way, but the blueprint of the perfect mother, the woman who can do it all, still hangs over our heads.    Many mothers I know still struggle against the notion that they should be able to do everything:  raise kids, work full-time (or part-time), cook meals, keep house, manage school and activity schedules, bake a mean batch of brownies, keep fit, and give her man some good lovin' along the way.    I'm being a little facetious, but you get the point:   it's a tall order, and it's no wonder many mothers struggle.    Alcohol winds its way into many women's lives when they become mothers, because it helps them hide from their fear that they don't measure up.

I have found an unbelievable community of women dedicated to busting the myth of the perfect Mom, both in my day-to-day life and online.  Some are in in the recovery community as well, but many are Moms who write with honesty and love about the struggles of parenting.   Social media outlets like blogging, facebook and twitter provide the perfect platform for a little honest sharing.

And then there are many, many Moms I meet who are struggling - with addiction (drugs, alcohol, food, shopping), depression and anxiety, who don't believe they can wave the white flag, because what would happen to the kids?   What would her friends think?  Everyone else makes it look so easy!   They are far more frightened of being branded a bad mother than being branded alcoholic, depressed, addicted or afraid.

So, while we're shedding a light on the problem of women and addiction, let's also have a discourse about why women - mothers especially - fall into this perfection trap?    Why do Moms feel that they are supposed to be impenetrable?    Why do we put our hands up to our mouths in shock when we see a woman who left her high-powered job to stay home with her daughter full-time and she can't handle it?     It wouldn't be nearly as newsworthy if a Dad left his job to stay home and couldn't hack it.   Of course he couldn't, many of us would think.   And why?  Because women are somehow stronger?  Better equipped to fend off addiction or depression?   

I want to know what you all think.   If you saw the 20/20 episode, or other recent media coverage about Moms who drink, what did you think?    How does it make you feel?   Shocked?  Angry?  Relieved?

Talk to me, people.

Edited to add:  After reading some of the comments, I want to mention one other, very important, point about the 20/20 episode.   Stefanie's part in that show was so important, I believe, because she demonstrates that you don't have to take the elevator of addiction all the way down to reach out for help, to get sober.   She said one other extremely important thing, too, which was that the 'secret will keep you sick'.    More and more, women are finding venues where they can reach out for help earlier in their struggle .  The Yahoo board Stef co-founded - the Booze Free Brigade - is an example of a safe place women can come together to talk about alcohol without fear of judgment or alienation.

An Annoyingly Chipper and Well Balanced Update

Today is day twenty.   I'm counting days, just like when I first got sober.    Day twenty of Operation Get Healthy, and I have learned a few things:

I don't like change.   Most people aren't big fans, I guess, but I really don't like it.   I like a cozy, comfortable routine, even when that routine isn't particularly good for me.    Although this change is a positive one, it threw me for a loop.   The first week and a half were HARD.   Even though I was very ready to make a change, I forgot how hard it is, mentally, to deprive yourself of things you really like.     I was irritable, short-tempered, overwhelmed by the slightest thing.   

It took me about a week to put two-and-two together, to realize the diet was causing the mental strife.  

I really, really like cheese.   I was up to a three-bags-per-week habit of shredded mozzarella cheese.  I put cheese on everything.   I would have melted cheese on cereal if it had occurred to me.   I thought the whole family was eating cheese right along with me, but now that I'm not eating cheese the one bag I bought for the kids a week and a half ago is still in the drawer, unopened.

Food tastes really good when you eat it because your body wants nutrients, and not because Grey's Anatomy is starting and you always eat while you watch TV.   Everything tastes delicious - broccoli (even without the damn cheese), fresh fruit, whole grain lowfat toast, salad greens.   All eaten without the benefit of butter, jelly, sugar or any other topping (I can eat 2 tablespoons of nonfat salad dressing).   

I need the structure of Jenny Craig.  I am following their meal plan exactly as it is laid out until I am halfway to my goal weight.   It helps, a lot, knowing exactly what I can eat, and when.    Not surprisingly, when left to my resources I employ logic like "Ooh!  Half the fat - I can have two!"     When I'm halfway to my goal weight, I will slowly wean off their food.   The objective is that I will be cooking and eating regular food as I'm sliding into home and reaching my goal weight.

Exercise is actually fun, when I don't set unrealistic goals.   I aim for 2-3 times per week at the gym (30 mins of cardio, 20 mins of weights and 20 mins of sit-ups/stretching) and 2-3 times per week outdoor activity, like a walk.    Because I'm not freaking out if I don't meet this goal, I'm enjoying myself.   In the past, I would overdo it for two weeks, lose interest and hope, and slide back into my slouchy ways.

I thought I would hate the one-one-one consulting part of Jenny Craig.   I love it.   I love that for 20 minutes every week, a chipper woman asks me all sorts of questions about how I feel.    We discuss my week, pitfalls and upcoming obstacles, and discuss the mental part of the plan.   She is my new best friend, whether she knows it or not.   I weigh-in once a week when I'm there - and I'm not allowed to weigh myself at home, or else I get obsessive about the number (if it's down it will be a good day, if I'm up a bit - baaaaaad).    That way, if I don't get the news I want to hear, my new best friend is there to talk me down off the cliff.

I still cook for my family (read:  I microwave up some nuggets or mac-n-cheese) but I eat my meal first, so I'm not tempted to pick at their food.   My biggest family related food challenge so far is that the kids always want a bite of my special meals and I am forced to snap at them like a hibernating, starving bear.

Last but hardly least, I feel so much better.   Yes, I look better too, but what I am amazed by is my increased energy and mobility.   I can dash up the stairs easily, chase my kids at the beach, throw on a pair of shorts I haven't worn in two years, and I feel good.

Monthly Giveaway - New Item!

Congratulations to The Gosfam, who won the Peridot Twist Crystal Ring!   Thank you to everyone who entered!

One quick announcement:  things are getting busy around here, and the Twice Monthly giveaways are going to switch to MONTHLY giveaways instead.   A winner will be chosen the 1st of every month (so the next item's winner will be chosen on June 1st).

Speaking of the next item, this month will be the Black Raspberry Swarovski Pearl Ring:

Please click here to view this item in my Etsy shop.

The ring is custom sized - if you win you will need to provide me with your ring size. 

To enter, please leave a comment below and provide your email so I can contact you if you are the winner.  If you are more comforatble emailing me directly, please do so at:   ellieandsteve@verizon.net.   The winner is chosen at random (my daughter picks a name from a hat).    The next winner will be announced on June 1st.

This giveaway is open internationally.

Thanks so much!