Name It and Claim It

I promise I won't only talk about food, or lack of food as the case may be, all the time. 

But at the moment it's all I can think about.   Because, of course, I'm trying to lose weight and it turns out in order to do that you can't eat everything that isn't nailed to the cupboards.   

I'm having one of those times when my version of me and my reality collide.    Had you asked me a few months ago, "Ellie, do you eat too much?"    I would have said "No, I'm not that into food," and then I might have punched you in the face.   In my mind.

Oh, denial, you sneaky bastard.    Turns out I eat more often than I realize.  The chipper Jenny Craig consultant has a whole term for it.  I'm an unconscious eater.

I'm one of those people who doesn't pay much attention to food at all.   One would think that is enough to not develop a weight problem, but that isn't accurate.    I don't pay any attention to what I'm eating.    So much so that throughout the day and evening I'm eating more than I realize - little bits here and there that all add up.  

Throughout the day, without really being aware of it, I'm reaching for pretzels, fruit, cheese, the odd piece of candy.    Did I mention the cheese?   I love cheese.    Cheese should be it's own food group, as far as I'm concerned.   Don't like broccoli?   Put a little cheese on it.  Or better yet - melt a little cheese on it.    Now you have yourself an edible treat.

With further inspection, it turns out that I have a little justification problem.    As in - I'll work out for an hour, and then use this as a reason to justify snacking whenever I feel the slightest bit hungry.   Add this to a portion control issue (I worked out this week!  I can have more!) , and it's a perfect storm.

So one day I get brave enough to actually see how much I weigh, and I'm about twenty pounds heavier than I thought I was.   You know, cause I don't eat very much.    Riiiiiiight.

I've been here before.   When I finally faced the truth of my drinking, I was horrified by how bad things had gotten.   Even though I was the one doing the drinking, I have a startling ability to shut my brain down when it's convenient for me.   I have a wonderful way of just not looking.    Or, perhaps more accurately, every now and then I'd have a lucid glimpse of my drinking, and I'd justify it.   Problem solved.

Just like when I got sober, I'm feeling a hole in my life.   It's not as bad - not nearly as bad - but it's an emotional gap.   I feel a bit like someone has chopped off a limb.    I go to reach for something and realize:  oh yeah, I can't do that anymore.  No arm.    I unconsciously went to the pantry and the fridge several times today, gazing at the food without thinking.   Unconscious eater, indeed.

I even blogged about this habit, for crying out loud.   I wrote that I gaze into my fridge several times a day, but I rarely reach for anything to eat.   LIAR.    I was, obviously, eating more than I wanted to acknowledge.    Over New Year's I wrote about how I don't want to set resolutions, how I'd rather be able to ask myself:  what is it about myself that I don't want to face.  It took a few months, but I'm facing it.

Just like with getting sober, though, it's freeing to face up to it.    There is a moment of mourning, too - the food party train is over.    Now that I'm aware of it - now that I'm a conscious eater (take THAT you little Jenny Craig consultant, you) I'm back in control of my actions, and it's up to me to choose wisely.    Like getting sober, I'm not doing it alone.   I'm talking to people, getting support, not getting upset when people cheer me on instead of saying "You?  You don't need to lose weight!"     Because I do.   And it's okay.

Besides, they are smart, these weight loss program consultants.   She handed me a list of "unlimited foods" - foods I can eat all I want, as much as I want.    She had a huge smile on her face, like I'd won the lottery.    The freaking carrot stick lottery.    But I like the idea of being told I can have as much as I want of anything.  

So you may want to take out stock in vegetable futures, cause they're gonna go up.