I'm Still Here

Two weeks after the end of radiation and chemotherapy, and I'm already stamping my impatient existential foot.

I want to feel better so badly.  But how long this takes is not up to me.

I'm starting to notice small - very small - improvements here and there.  A little more strength, a little less tired.  I have to remember when I have a good day that it doesn't mean that I'll have nothing but better days from here on out.  Because the next day I can backslide again.

The doctors have been right about everything else, and they were right about how frustrating this stage of the process is, too.

There are still hurdles to overcome in the future, although I try not to dwell too much on anything that isn't directly in front of me.  The lump is still there, which could mean a number of things, but hopefully means that it is "rubble" from the tumor imploding in on itself after all the radiation.

To find out if it's rubble or if it's more, I will likely have surgery in about a month to remove the lump.  After everything else I have been through, I'm hoping the surgery won't feel like too big a deal.  But it's one more obstacle between me and DONE.

I am not going to talk about what happens if they find cancer in the lump after they remove it.  I have to work hard to keep the awfulizing at bay.  Why is it so much easier to be certain of the worst outcome?   Faith doesn't come easily to me these days.  I wish the truth were different, but I have to work at faith.  When I feel it settle over me like a gossamer cloak, I wish I didn't have to struggle so hard to find it.

But I'm not going to stop trying.

I am pouring myself back into my jewelry; it's one of the only places I turn that brain of mine off for a while.  I made myself a pretty little copper bangle, stamped with lyrics to a Jeffrey Steele song that I love (modified somewhat for space requirements) to help me remember that it is through the darker parts in life that we grow, that we find grace and peace:

"there is a door to light and grace/keys are in the darkest place"

If you like this bangle and want to customize one for yourself (or a friend), you can find it in my Etsy shop by clicking here.

I'm so grateful for the ability to create, to watch my hands mold wire or metal and create something from nothing.

Other than making jewelry, I wait.  I wait for consultations with surgeons.  I wait for the energy to return so I can go out and experience the world for a bit.  I wait for the pain to subside, for the good days to outnumber the bad ones.

And they will.  Soon, I hope. They will.