This isn't a post. Not really.
I haven't blogged or written a word in almost two weeks; that's never happened before. My creative/writing brain is off somewhere... it has fled to the hills, or wherever it goes, and I don't have it in me to write something creative. So this is just an update, of sorts.
I've gotten so many 'where are you' and 'are you okay?' emails, and I appreciate each and every one of them. Thank you, everyone, for all your heartfelt words of encouragement, advice and support. I will try to respond to all of them, but truth be told I'm not on the computer much these days.
I'm okay. Mostly. Or, at least, I will be.
I'm in a kind of purgatory, an emotional limbo. The anxiety is still there, and it sucks so much of my mental energy that I've scaled way back, simplified my life, focusing my energy on the thing that matters most: my family.
There is some kind of medical thing going on; the swollen lymph node in my neck that I wrote about in my last post is still there, and it is the source of most of my anxiety. I don't have answers, not yet, as to what it is. I'm getting lots of tests, talking to doctors and specialists. I'm not sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it, which would have been my old response to fear. I'm talking to people - my close friends and family - and I'm not isolating, even though I want to. Badly.
I don't get to go around things anymore; I don't hide in a bottle or curl up into a ball. I'm mostly grateful to be sober, to be present and feel my feelings, work through this instead of skirting around it. Whatever the outcome, I know this is a hurdle I'm meant to face; I'm learning, slowly, how to sit with fear, breathe and talk through it. Fear is forcing me to grow and stretch in ways I haven't had to do since I got sober. It hurts, but it's like the ache you feel after a tough workout - I feel a twinge of pride in the pain, knowing that I'm pushing myself towards something. A breakthrough, not a breakdown.
Day to day life hasn't changed much at all. I shuttle the kids back and forth to activities, make small talk on the sidelines of soccer fields and birthday parties. I play with the kids, help with homework, administer baths and read bedtime stories. I pack lunches and prepare dinners; I show up where I'm needed, and I try mightily to be fully present for my kids. Through all this an engine of fear churns madly in the background of my brain, and during the day I tuck it away, put my Mommy poker face on for the kids.
Then I tuck them into bed, the house grows quiet and the engine churns louder - it's clanging and banging is a familiar soundtrack, now.
I reach for other distractions - reading, exercising or sleeping, mostly. Two things I don't do? I don't drink or eat myself into oblivion. I have to keep reminding myself that this is progress.
I've been thinking a lot about control, about how badly I want the hard stuff to be solved - tied up in a neat little package with a pretty bow on top. So much of the challenges in the past few months have been completely outside my control. My Dad's sudden death in June, and my unexplained health problem. These things just are, and I can't think my way out of them. Anxiety is my brain's way of trying to control the uncontrollable.
I ride the emotional ups and downs. I sit with pain. I breathe through fear. I have gratitude for the peaceful moments. I hug my kids and my husband. I talk and talk and talk.
I try not to leap before grace.
I don't know how much I will be writing here in the coming days. That's outside of my control, too. I know I can't force words that don't want to come. I have faith they will come back, in their own time.
In the meantime, I wait.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Talking About It
I'm typing this post - just sitting and writing - without any idea what I'm going to say. Usually, when I sit down to write, I have been rolling a thought, image or idea through my head for a couple of days, mentally writing and editing the post, so by the time I sit down to type the words flow freely.
But there isn't much that is usual about things these days.
I'm struggling.
The anxiety I wrote about in my last post has a stranglehold on me. It's so hard to write about it, to find words that describe the breathless, panicky feeling that permeates my existence these days. It leaves me feeling spent, exhausted, flat, and I move through my days like an automaton; the simple act of moving from one end of the day to the other feels overwhelming, most of the time.
It's ironic, in a way, because in the wake of the Redbook article I'm getting several emails a day from women who saw their own story in the words, and most of them are asking one simple question: HOW? How do I get through just one simple day without my nightly crutch of wine?
The advice that pores from my fingertips is straightforward, and yet hard to do: get honest, start talking, ask for help, break your old patterns, find healthy distractions, and don't try to do this alone.
In the grip of anxiety I feel exactly like I did when I first got sober, like my skin has been peeled back and I'm a walking exposed nerve. Lights and sounds bother me, I struggle not to be short with the kids, and the simple act of going to the grocery store feels overwhelming. To keep the panic at bay, I slip into neutral, my face and voice go flat, and the spark in my eyes is dim. I read and sleep a lot -- two places where my brain leaves me alone for a period of time - and drop eagerly into the escape they bring.
It's a balancing act of facing fear head-on and keeping things as simple as I can. I'm breaking old behavior patterns, changing my old reactions to fear. Health worries have always been where my anxiety manifests itself the most - even when I was a child - and now that there is a legitimate concern my mind obsesses on it, constantly. Instead of sticking my head in the sand and avoiding the doctor due to fear, I'm talking to her, trying to get some answers and some help.
I'm also cutting out stress where I can. We made the difficult decision not to sell our house, for a variety of reasons, but the stress it introduced into my already fragile state was a factor.
I'm talking to people. A lot. When trusted friends ask me if I'm okay, I answer honestly that I'm struggling. The mere act of unburdening my load - sharing it with others - is a profound relief. It's hard to tell people I'm not okay, that I need help. My ego winces - shouldn't I be able to handle this? But I know in my heart that I can't make it through this alone.
Logically, I understand where this is coming from, that my Dad's sudden death triggered this ancient fear, and the added stress of selling the house and health worries were simply too much. But I can't think my way out of this; knowing where it's coming from is of little help when I'm in the grips of a panic attack.
It's bigger than me.
And I know, too, that I will be okay. I know I'll be okay because when obstacles are thrown in my path it means I am in the process of stretching, growing, learning. Whatever the outcome, of any of this, I know that because I'm going through it, not around it, I will emerge with deeper self-awareness, strength and faith.
In the meantime, I'm talking, getting help and I'm not going through this alone. The power of sharing my truth, and the support, comfort and community it brings to me, will never cease to amaze me.
But there isn't much that is usual about things these days.
I'm struggling.
The anxiety I wrote about in my last post has a stranglehold on me. It's so hard to write about it, to find words that describe the breathless, panicky feeling that permeates my existence these days. It leaves me feeling spent, exhausted, flat, and I move through my days like an automaton; the simple act of moving from one end of the day to the other feels overwhelming, most of the time.
It's ironic, in a way, because in the wake of the Redbook article I'm getting several emails a day from women who saw their own story in the words, and most of them are asking one simple question: HOW? How do I get through just one simple day without my nightly crutch of wine?
The advice that pores from my fingertips is straightforward, and yet hard to do: get honest, start talking, ask for help, break your old patterns, find healthy distractions, and don't try to do this alone.
In the grip of anxiety I feel exactly like I did when I first got sober, like my skin has been peeled back and I'm a walking exposed nerve. Lights and sounds bother me, I struggle not to be short with the kids, and the simple act of going to the grocery store feels overwhelming. To keep the panic at bay, I slip into neutral, my face and voice go flat, and the spark in my eyes is dim. I read and sleep a lot -- two places where my brain leaves me alone for a period of time - and drop eagerly into the escape they bring.
It's a balancing act of facing fear head-on and keeping things as simple as I can. I'm breaking old behavior patterns, changing my old reactions to fear. Health worries have always been where my anxiety manifests itself the most - even when I was a child - and now that there is a legitimate concern my mind obsesses on it, constantly. Instead of sticking my head in the sand and avoiding the doctor due to fear, I'm talking to her, trying to get some answers and some help.
I'm also cutting out stress where I can. We made the difficult decision not to sell our house, for a variety of reasons, but the stress it introduced into my already fragile state was a factor.
I'm talking to people. A lot. When trusted friends ask me if I'm okay, I answer honestly that I'm struggling. The mere act of unburdening my load - sharing it with others - is a profound relief. It's hard to tell people I'm not okay, that I need help. My ego winces - shouldn't I be able to handle this? But I know in my heart that I can't make it through this alone.
Logically, I understand where this is coming from, that my Dad's sudden death triggered this ancient fear, and the added stress of selling the house and health worries were simply too much. But I can't think my way out of this; knowing where it's coming from is of little help when I'm in the grips of a panic attack.
It's bigger than me.
And I know, too, that I will be okay. I know I'll be okay because when obstacles are thrown in my path it means I am in the process of stretching, growing, learning. Whatever the outcome, of any of this, I know that because I'm going through it, not around it, I will emerge with deeper self-awareness, strength and faith.
In the meantime, I'm talking, getting help and I'm not going through this alone. The power of sharing my truth, and the support, comfort and community it brings to me, will never cease to amaze me.
~~~~~
This post is part of Just Write, a free writing link-up hosted by Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary. To learn more about it, click here. To join us, click here.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Anxiety
I'm sitting on the ratty couch at Finn's karate class. Greta is wiggling beside me, bored, playing Angry Birds on my phone.
My mind is racing, thinking about my more-than-full plate; it has been a stressful week. Steve is away on a trip, gone five days now, and I'm in the final throes of negotiating an offer to sell our house. Contractors and inspectors have been traipsing through my house for days; between them and meetings with brokers, juggling our hectic schedule and working, I feel stretched beyond my limits.
I sigh, and lean my chin on my hand. My body freezes: what's this? The heel of my palm feels a lump in my neck. As my fingers probe deeper, feel the contours of a hard, round ball nestled just below my jawline, an icy blade of fear slices through the middle of me.
My hands start to shake, my palms sweat. My extremities go cold with panic, and my gut clenches. I can feel myself start to shut down.
Somehow I make it until the end of Finn's class, shuffle the kids home and go through the motions of cooking dinner, doing homework, brushing teeth. They chatter on about the usual things, oblivious to the raging sea of panic that boils within me. I can barely concentrate, my brain is paralyzed with horrible images.
I tuck them into bed, slump downstairs and curl into a ball. I'm dying, I think. It's got to be something awful. The anxiety that has been dogging me since my Dad's death, flitting around the edges of my consciousness, kicks in the door and settles on me like a cold blanket.
I remain frozen in a ball, unable to fight back the fear. A tiny, rational part of me knows my reaction is disproportionate, that I'm coming unglued, but I can't help it. I just don't have any reserves left.
I think about all the times I have told women to face fear, to talk about it, to feel pain and not go around it. I would do anything to go around this, to disappear from myself for a while. A drink would do that, I think. Just a couple of drinks to take the edge off the fear, bring me back to baseline.
Even as I think these thoughts, I know I'm not going to drink. I know what I need to do. I pick up the phone with trembling hands and make a doctor's appointment for the following morning. Face it, Ellie, I think. Don't hide. After making the appointment I call some friends, cry a little, and box myself in. I tell them what is going on, and ask them to make sure I go to the appointment. I know I'm in a place where I can't trust my own thinking.
~~~~~
The doctor rips off the blood pressure cuff with a loud scritch, and gives me a concerned look. She tells me my blood pressure is scary high, and asks if I have been under stress lately.
I open my mouth to say 'yes, but nothing I can't handle', and instead hear myself babbling on about all the pressure I'm under, the knife blade of fear, the anxiety that won't leave me alone. I am surprised to hear myself talking about how my Dad's death from an infection - so unexpected, when he was so healthy - has left me paralyzed with fear. "It's all so fragile," I say. "It scares me." The tears run down my cheeks as I unload it all.
"I need help," I choke. "I can't live like this anymore."
Three simple words: I. Need. Help. Oh, they are so hard to say, but once the words are out of my mouth, I feel a weight lifting, and a sense of lightness and peace comes over me.
We talk awhile about anxiety, about how it is effecting my health, my blood pressure, and how there are medications that are safe to take in recovery. She tells me it isn't about will power, that I can't think my way out of it, that anxiety is a physiological condition, and in it's acute form - like I'm experiencing - my usual tools of exercise, rest and good nutrition aren't enough. We talk about how the anxiety jeopardizes my recovery, how I'm triggered when I'm hit with a panic attack.
"It's okay," she says. "This has nothing to do with how strong you are."
I've been here before, when I got sober, and I know the drill. Surrendering my will is hard, it feels like defeat, but I know in my heart it isn't. It's the way out of my mental prison, the path to freedom.
We agree to watch the lump in my neck - I have other symptoms of a cold, so it could be a virus or infection causing a swollen lymph node - and make an appointment to follow up again in a few weeks.
As I drive home, I think about acceptance, about how my brain longs to control something uncontrollable. No amount of emotional hang-wringing or anxious thinking will change the outcome of anything; all anxiety does is ruin the moments right in front of me, here and now. The fear tickles at my consciousness, scratches at the door, whispers: let me in.
I breathe in faith, breathe out fear, and bring myself back into the moment. I'll get through it, whatever it is, I think. One moment at a time.
My mind is racing, thinking about my more-than-full plate; it has been a stressful week. Steve is away on a trip, gone five days now, and I'm in the final throes of negotiating an offer to sell our house. Contractors and inspectors have been traipsing through my house for days; between them and meetings with brokers, juggling our hectic schedule and working, I feel stretched beyond my limits.
I sigh, and lean my chin on my hand. My body freezes: what's this? The heel of my palm feels a lump in my neck. As my fingers probe deeper, feel the contours of a hard, round ball nestled just below my jawline, an icy blade of fear slices through the middle of me.
My hands start to shake, my palms sweat. My extremities go cold with panic, and my gut clenches. I can feel myself start to shut down.
Somehow I make it until the end of Finn's class, shuffle the kids home and go through the motions of cooking dinner, doing homework, brushing teeth. They chatter on about the usual things, oblivious to the raging sea of panic that boils within me. I can barely concentrate, my brain is paralyzed with horrible images.
I tuck them into bed, slump downstairs and curl into a ball. I'm dying, I think. It's got to be something awful. The anxiety that has been dogging me since my Dad's death, flitting around the edges of my consciousness, kicks in the door and settles on me like a cold blanket.
I remain frozen in a ball, unable to fight back the fear. A tiny, rational part of me knows my reaction is disproportionate, that I'm coming unglued, but I can't help it. I just don't have any reserves left.
I think about all the times I have told women to face fear, to talk about it, to feel pain and not go around it. I would do anything to go around this, to disappear from myself for a while. A drink would do that, I think. Just a couple of drinks to take the edge off the fear, bring me back to baseline.
Even as I think these thoughts, I know I'm not going to drink. I know what I need to do. I pick up the phone with trembling hands and make a doctor's appointment for the following morning. Face it, Ellie, I think. Don't hide. After making the appointment I call some friends, cry a little, and box myself in. I tell them what is going on, and ask them to make sure I go to the appointment. I know I'm in a place where I can't trust my own thinking.
~~~~~
The doctor rips off the blood pressure cuff with a loud scritch, and gives me a concerned look. She tells me my blood pressure is scary high, and asks if I have been under stress lately.
I open my mouth to say 'yes, but nothing I can't handle', and instead hear myself babbling on about all the pressure I'm under, the knife blade of fear, the anxiety that won't leave me alone. I am surprised to hear myself talking about how my Dad's death from an infection - so unexpected, when he was so healthy - has left me paralyzed with fear. "It's all so fragile," I say. "It scares me." The tears run down my cheeks as I unload it all.
"I need help," I choke. "I can't live like this anymore."
Three simple words: I. Need. Help. Oh, they are so hard to say, but once the words are out of my mouth, I feel a weight lifting, and a sense of lightness and peace comes over me.
We talk awhile about anxiety, about how it is effecting my health, my blood pressure, and how there are medications that are safe to take in recovery. She tells me it isn't about will power, that I can't think my way out of it, that anxiety is a physiological condition, and in it's acute form - like I'm experiencing - my usual tools of exercise, rest and good nutrition aren't enough. We talk about how the anxiety jeopardizes my recovery, how I'm triggered when I'm hit with a panic attack.
"It's okay," she says. "This has nothing to do with how strong you are."
I've been here before, when I got sober, and I know the drill. Surrendering my will is hard, it feels like defeat, but I know in my heart it isn't. It's the way out of my mental prison, the path to freedom.
We agree to watch the lump in my neck - I have other symptoms of a cold, so it could be a virus or infection causing a swollen lymph node - and make an appointment to follow up again in a few weeks.
As I drive home, I think about acceptance, about how my brain longs to control something uncontrollable. No amount of emotional hang-wringing or anxious thinking will change the outcome of anything; all anxiety does is ruin the moments right in front of me, here and now. The fear tickles at my consciousness, scratches at the door, whispers: let me in.
I breathe in faith, breathe out fear, and bring myself back into the moment. I'll get through it, whatever it is, I think. One moment at a time.
~~~~~~~
This post is written for Just Write, Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary's writing exercise, where we, well, just write about our ordinary and extraordinary moments. Come join us, here.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Parenting and Teenage Drinking - What Would You Do?
We are very open with our kids about alcohol.
We explained to them that I have an allergy to alcohol; at their ages this is the best way to explain a concept as complicated as alcoholism. Greta has asked if she has an allergy to alcohol, too, and we told her that we can't know yet, but that alcohol allergies are hereditary, and she will have to be more careful than most about drinking.
We also explained that drinking at a young age increases her chances that she will have a problem with alcohol later in life. A recent study indicates that people who reported starting to drink before the age of 15 were four times more likely to also report meeting the criteria for alcohol dependence at some point in their lives.
Her response was to say "Well, then, I'm never going to drink alcohol. If someone asks me I'm going to say NO THANK YOU!"
If only it were that simple.
The statistics about teenage drinking are hair-raising. 72% of teenagers in the US admit to using alcohol at least once, and 2 out of 5 teenagers say they drank alcohol within the last month. Studies also show that when teenagers drink, they tend to binge drink - consuming 4 or more drinks at a time.
As parents, we all want to believe our teenager would be one of the 28% of teens who don't try alcohol. We do our best to teach our children to make smart choices, we advise them of the dangers of drinking. We consider good grades or a stellar athletic track record as indicators that our kid couldn't possibly be drinking. But the statistics are frightening, and even if our own kids are trying to make smart choices, chances are they have friends who aren't.
We all remember the power of peer pressure, of wanting desperately to fit in. Smart choices have a way of fading into the background in the face of peer pressure.
I can see it in my mind's eye - Greta and some teenage friends hanging out in a parking lot after a movie, or having an innocent get together at a friend's house. Suddenly a bottle appears from someone's pocket, and gets passed around. When the bottle lands in her hands, I would love to believe that all our education and open communication would lead her to say 'No thank you,' like her 9 year old brain believes she would. I would also like to believe she would remember the dangers - elevated for her - and pass the bottle along without taking a sip. I know she would want to make the right choice, but would she?
I remember my first sip of alcohol, how it calmed my nerves, made me feel whole, comfortable in my own skin. For someone who struggled with anxiety her whole life, alcohol was like a magic elixir. Greta has anxiety, too, particularly in social situations, and my gut churns to think about how her resolve not to drink may fall to pieces when she feels alcohol's magic effects.
I also know I am powerless over what happens, to a large degree. I can educate, encourage her to communicate with us about drinking, spell out the consequences from drinking in startling clarity. But how can I put more power into her hands to make the right choice, to help her fend off peer pressure?
It's a fine line between trust and facing a stark reality: most teens drink.
Technology, of course, is coming up with new devices to address the growing problem of teenage drinking. Sober Link is such a device; a wireless blood alcohol level monitor that a teen can blow into from anywhere, and it wirelessly and immediately provides parents with their child's blood alcohol level and location. My immediate reaction upon hearing about this was at a visceral level: I trust my child, she will make smart choices. I won't need something like that. But then I watched the video below, and thought about it some more:
I thought about the scenario in the parking lot, of the bottle being passed around. If Greta wanted to make a smart choice, but felt pressured to drink, having this device in her pocket would give her an out, would empower her to say she can't drink.
It feels draconian, on some level, but it doesn't have to be. I do trust my children, and I wouldn't give her a device like this one because I don't trust her, I would give it to her to empower her to make the right choice, if she wanted to.
At nine years old, Greta is eager to listen and receptive to our advice. I hope she stays this way through the difficult teen years, but I hear stories of how communication changes - and not for the better - when kids hit their teenage (and even pre-teen years). I recognize that I can't stop her from drinking, if she's determined to try. Kids make mistakes, they make wrong choices, and oftentimes we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. But the stakes are so high with teenage drinking; one wrong choice can have disastrous consequences.
What do you think? Would you give your teenager a device like this? If you wouldn't, why not? How do you talk to your kids about drinking, and at what age do you/did you start?
~~~~~
Full disclosure: this is a sponsored post. I get a lot of requests for sponsored posts, but decline them because they aren't topically relevant to my blog, or of interest to my readers. I am fascinated by how technology can help (or hurt) teenage drinking, so I jumped at the opportunity to talk about this more.
We explained to them that I have an allergy to alcohol; at their ages this is the best way to explain a concept as complicated as alcoholism. Greta has asked if she has an allergy to alcohol, too, and we told her that we can't know yet, but that alcohol allergies are hereditary, and she will have to be more careful than most about drinking.
We also explained that drinking at a young age increases her chances that she will have a problem with alcohol later in life. A recent study indicates that people who reported starting to drink before the age of 15 were four times more likely to also report meeting the criteria for alcohol dependence at some point in their lives.
Her response was to say "Well, then, I'm never going to drink alcohol. If someone asks me I'm going to say NO THANK YOU!"
If only it were that simple.
The statistics about teenage drinking are hair-raising. 72% of teenagers in the US admit to using alcohol at least once, and 2 out of 5 teenagers say they drank alcohol within the last month. Studies also show that when teenagers drink, they tend to binge drink - consuming 4 or more drinks at a time.
As parents, we all want to believe our teenager would be one of the 28% of teens who don't try alcohol. We do our best to teach our children to make smart choices, we advise them of the dangers of drinking. We consider good grades or a stellar athletic track record as indicators that our kid couldn't possibly be drinking. But the statistics are frightening, and even if our own kids are trying to make smart choices, chances are they have friends who aren't.
We all remember the power of peer pressure, of wanting desperately to fit in. Smart choices have a way of fading into the background in the face of peer pressure.
I can see it in my mind's eye - Greta and some teenage friends hanging out in a parking lot after a movie, or having an innocent get together at a friend's house. Suddenly a bottle appears from someone's pocket, and gets passed around. When the bottle lands in her hands, I would love to believe that all our education and open communication would lead her to say 'No thank you,' like her 9 year old brain believes she would. I would also like to believe she would remember the dangers - elevated for her - and pass the bottle along without taking a sip. I know she would want to make the right choice, but would she?
I remember my first sip of alcohol, how it calmed my nerves, made me feel whole, comfortable in my own skin. For someone who struggled with anxiety her whole life, alcohol was like a magic elixir. Greta has anxiety, too, particularly in social situations, and my gut churns to think about how her resolve not to drink may fall to pieces when she feels alcohol's magic effects.
I also know I am powerless over what happens, to a large degree. I can educate, encourage her to communicate with us about drinking, spell out the consequences from drinking in startling clarity. But how can I put more power into her hands to make the right choice, to help her fend off peer pressure?
It's a fine line between trust and facing a stark reality: most teens drink.
Technology, of course, is coming up with new devices to address the growing problem of teenage drinking. Sober Link is such a device; a wireless blood alcohol level monitor that a teen can blow into from anywhere, and it wirelessly and immediately provides parents with their child's blood alcohol level and location. My immediate reaction upon hearing about this was at a visceral level: I trust my child, she will make smart choices. I won't need something like that. But then I watched the video below, and thought about it some more:
I thought about the scenario in the parking lot, of the bottle being passed around. If Greta wanted to make a smart choice, but felt pressured to drink, having this device in her pocket would give her an out, would empower her to say she can't drink.
It feels draconian, on some level, but it doesn't have to be. I do trust my children, and I wouldn't give her a device like this one because I don't trust her, I would give it to her to empower her to make the right choice, if she wanted to.
At nine years old, Greta is eager to listen and receptive to our advice. I hope she stays this way through the difficult teen years, but I hear stories of how communication changes - and not for the better - when kids hit their teenage (and even pre-teen years). I recognize that I can't stop her from drinking, if she's determined to try. Kids make mistakes, they make wrong choices, and oftentimes we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. But the stakes are so high with teenage drinking; one wrong choice can have disastrous consequences.
What do you think? Would you give your teenager a device like this? If you wouldn't, why not? How do you talk to your kids about drinking, and at what age do you/did you start?
~~~~~
Full disclosure: this is a sponsored post. I get a lot of requests for sponsored posts, but decline them because they aren't topically relevant to my blog, or of interest to my readers. I am fascinated by how technology can help (or hurt) teenage drinking, so I jumped at the opportunity to talk about this more.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Giggles and Grace
Greta is nine.
NINE.
Long gone is our chubby cheeked little baby; she is growing into a young woman, full of giggles and grace.
This is for you, sweetheart. We love you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY:
Song is "Whole Wide World, by Mindy Gledhill. Thanks to Heather for introducing me to this song; Greta and I love to sing it into our hairbrushes...
NINE.
Long gone is our chubby cheeked little baby; she is growing into a young woman, full of giggles and grace.
This is for you, sweetheart. We love you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY:
Song is "Whole Wide World, by Mindy Gledhill. Thanks to Heather for introducing me to this song; Greta and I love to sing it into our hairbrushes...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tightrope
The kids run ahead of me, clattering up the walkway to my Mom's house. I trail behind, laden with bags of presents, an ache in the middle of me.
"Happy Birthday, Greta!" my Mom chirps from the doorway, bending down for hugs.
This moment is always hard.
I can see him there, in my mind's eye, standing behind my Mom and grinning his big, proud grin.
"Hey there, kid" my Dad would say, and give me a wink as he wrapped me in his strong embrace.
But, of course, he isn't there.
The absence of him seems impossible, because in my mind and heart he's everywhere.
My Mom and I exchange a hug and a smile; behind the real joy in her eyes I see the sadness, and a silent acknowledgment - I wish he was here, too - passes between us.
Finn scampers away, digging around for toys and snacks. On the table in the living room is a colorful pile of presents, and Greta flashes me a big grin.
As my Mom and the kids chatter - how is school, what's your favorite subject, do you like riding the bus - I breathe deep, let the emotions come.
I picture him standing in the kitchen, "El, can I get you a cuppa?" he'd say, bringing out mugs for coffee. Then he'd give the kids a mischievous glance and make that funny sound with his mouth, the one that makes them collapse into giggles.
I need this private indulgence, this ghost landscape of what would have been. I carry memories in my heart, take them out and roll them through my mind like glittering treasure, and through the ache they comfort me.
We move through the day, go through all the usual motions, balancing the profound feeling of loss with happiness, like tightrope walkers. We're figuring it out as we go along, eyes locked straight ahead, because if we look down we could lose ourselves to the sadness.
As Greta rips into her gifts, Finn slips silently into my lap and leans his head on my shoulder. I stroke his spiky hair, and place a little kiss on the top of his head.
After a moment, he buries his head into my chest and whispers, "Momma? I miss PopPop."
"Me too, buddy. Me too."
"Happy Birthday, Greta!" my Mom chirps from the doorway, bending down for hugs.
This moment is always hard.
I can see him there, in my mind's eye, standing behind my Mom and grinning his big, proud grin.
"Hey there, kid" my Dad would say, and give me a wink as he wrapped me in his strong embrace.
But, of course, he isn't there.
The absence of him seems impossible, because in my mind and heart he's everywhere.
My Mom and I exchange a hug and a smile; behind the real joy in her eyes I see the sadness, and a silent acknowledgment - I wish he was here, too - passes between us.
Finn scampers away, digging around for toys and snacks. On the table in the living room is a colorful pile of presents, and Greta flashes me a big grin.
As my Mom and the kids chatter - how is school, what's your favorite subject, do you like riding the bus - I breathe deep, let the emotions come.
I picture him standing in the kitchen, "El, can I get you a cuppa?" he'd say, bringing out mugs for coffee. Then he'd give the kids a mischievous glance and make that funny sound with his mouth, the one that makes them collapse into giggles.
I need this private indulgence, this ghost landscape of what would have been. I carry memories in my heart, take them out and roll them through my mind like glittering treasure, and through the ache they comfort me.
We move through the day, go through all the usual motions, balancing the profound feeling of loss with happiness, like tightrope walkers. We're figuring it out as we go along, eyes locked straight ahead, because if we look down we could lose ourselves to the sadness.
As Greta rips into her gifts, Finn slips silently into my lap and leans his head on my shoulder. I stroke his spiky hair, and place a little kiss on the top of his head.
After a moment, he buries his head into my chest and whispers, "Momma? I miss PopPop."
"Me too, buddy. Me too."
~~~~~
This post is part of Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary's link-up, Just Write, where we free write about our ordinary and extraordinary moments. Learn more about it here, and then click here to join in.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Last Cookie
The hostess places a platter of homemade chocolate chip cookies in the center of the table. We make the usual exclamations, and reach out simultaneously to pluck a cookie from the plate.
Minutes pass, sipping and chatting, and eventually there is only one cookie left. Every now and then someone's eyes dart to the platter, but nobody reaches for it. I call this the 'cookie dance' - nobody wants to be the one to grab for the last one, even though we're all thinking about it.
After a while we drift away to sit and chat on the more comfortable couches, and by the time I stand up to leave the last cookie is gone. Someone, at some point, snuck away into the kitchen and polished it off when nobody was looking.
On the drive home I think about the last cookie, about the unspoken code that nobody wants to be the one to eat more than the others. Part of it is politeness, perhaps, but my suspicion is that somehow scarfing the last cookie represents some kind of weakness, a feeling of need that nobody wants to reveal. Or, perhaps, it is a fear of vulnerability, that the other women will somehow have something over you - they could restrain themselves, and you had to have just one more.
But you know who's really not going to reach for that last cookie? Someone with an unhealthy relationship to food. For that person, who is sitting and chatting like everything is fine, that cookie is speaking to her. Her fear of revealing her dark secret, her obsession with food (too much or too little of it), is too great.
It reminds me of my drinking days, when I would put on my mask of normalcy, laughing and chatting with friends at a party and all the while my mind was racing, calculating how much I could drink without judgment. When the hostess would come by with a refill, I would place my hand demurely over the top of the glass and say, "No thanks, I'm driving," and then later at home, when nobody was looking, I would drink like I wanted to.
We go to great lengths to conceal suffering and vulnerability.
All this makes me think about how important our reactions are to people who take the brave step and admit their vulnerabilities out loud. For someone struggling with a secret obsession, like drinking or food, the expectation of judgment is so great, it keeps them silent and stuck in their secret would of suffering.
If a friend came to you and admitted she had a problem with food, that she was turning to food for comfort and distraction from boredom or pain, would binge eat in secret and then feel terribly about herself (or maybe purge), how would you react? Would you say "Well, I can stop at one cookie, why can't you?" Would you feel that tug of superiority that you don't have that problem? Or would you find a way to identify with her silent suffering, her feelings of inadequacy, her pain?
When someone breaks out of their silence, comes forward and admits they have a problem, they are extremely vulnerable because we are hard-wired to fit in, to color inside the lines, to stay with the pack. But our sense of the pack is skewed - when you're struggling you think everyone else has it figured out, that you're weak or flawed. The reality is everyone has something they wouldn't want the world to know about, a way they think or behave in the privacy of their own little world that they don't want anyone else to see.
I realize that alcoholism is really hard to understand for people who don't have any first (or second) hand experience with this disease. The behavior patterns and thought processes of an active alcoholic (or problem drinker) are baffling. Why on earth would anyone DO that to their lives? Why would they make such poor choices? Why would they risk so much for another glass of wine?
The answer is simple, really. They have a disease, an allergy, an obsession - call it whatever you want - that has taken over their minds and their lives. They don't want to drink too much, and they are as baffled by their own behavior as you are. THIS is why getting sober is so hard to do on your own; you are held prisoner within your own body and mind, and need help getting free.
But asking for that help is hard, because judgment is so prevalent.
Most women, on some level, can understand food problems, I think. Our culture is so riddled with images of bodily perfection that just about everyone I know diets, or talks about dieting, or has body image issues.
I find it interesting that visibly obese people are still victims of so much judgment, when most people - especially women - can understand on some visceral level struggling with food/dieting/body image. We can empathize to a point - when someone says they are dieting we are quick to offer support. But when someone crosses the line into obesity empathy becomes harder to find, because being significantly overweight pings a fear reaction in people. That person took too it too far, we think, and instead of offering support and empathy, we avoid, we gossip, we compare instead of identify.
When someone admits to struggling with drinking, or has slid into active alcoholism, they face a lot of judgment. A large part of this is likely rampant lack of understanding about addiction; people mistakenly believe it is a moral issue or a strength of character problem. If strength of character was enough to stop addiction, there would be no addicts. But another part of it is a fear response; that person has taken it too far. We go into that place where we compare ("I'd never drink that much") instead of identify ("she is suffering, and I understand suffering").
My hope is for a world where we can reach past judgment and fear and find empathy. A world where someone can show vulnerability, admit a problem out loud, and find compassion. We can't understand all problems - and addiction is one of the most difficult to understand - but we all understand suffering. Stepping outside the pack - reaching for the last proverbial cookie and admitting something isn't perfect - takes courage. And just like we can all understand suffering, we can all understand courage, too.
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